My glass is half full of gin and tonic.

Optimism is something that several of you have commented on recently. You say, 'Gee, you're so optimistic through all of this, even though you're having challenges.' Well, let me be the first to tell you that is a load of crap and there aren't any daisies growing out of it.

In our relationship I am always the one to be positive for the long-haul. My partner is a little impatient....(those of you who know her, breathe, stop laughing so hard, you might hurt yourself). It's not that she is insensitive or thoughtless of my feelings or others, on the contrary (just the other day, she got out of her car on a busy street, ran over to the local police department and asked some poor cop to come out and direct traffic so that a duck family could cross the road). It's just that we both assumed that we would be pregnant by now and it's starting to take a toll on us (and she is usually the first to express it...and often). For the record, I have all of these same, negative feelings, but my process for dealing with them isn't so immediate. I rein them in at the moment, suppress them, dwell on them, and then add them to my fire for later use.

We live in a fairly middle class neighborhood that is only steps from the hood ('hood' is a relative term in central NH I get it, but it's the only hood we have). It is hard to watch half-naked teenage girls smoking cigarettes, walking their babies down the street with their skinny-ass, drug-dealing boyfriends in tow. Having a baby was clearly easy for them. What can I say? They don't know any different; their mother probably had them when she was 15 too. We live in the northeast; it's not like the bible belt and there's a shortage of birth control or condoms. I too was a teenager once, and I'm not perfect. I started smoking when I was 17 and it was awesome. I had dreams of running away with my queer little band geek friends somewhere where my mother couldn't tell me that I can't be gay because I'd never make it financially without a man (why the fuck didn't we for real do this? LOL). I am stereotyping and assuming the aspirations of these hopefully/somewhat/a little/barely driven adolescents in my town, but even if you are a Fertile Myrtle, don't act like you've never had these thoughts when walking through the Walmart in your white hood.

Instead of sharing these or any other depressing, negative thoughts with all of you on a regular basis, I choose to be optimistic, informative for those who may not be as far along in the process are we are, and hopefully a little humorous. Ultimately, I'd rather be drinking gin and tonic and not pregnant than smoking and banging some shithead little boy. Gross.

I very much appreciate all of your positive comments. Just know that there is a normal, judgemental, selfish person somewhere beneath all of this optimism.

Eventually we'll have a baby, my love. I just know it.

Hey, it's me. Sorry.

I don't even know where I left off, and no, I didn't go back and read my previous post from weeks ago. So, that said, I'll just give you the current run-down.

After IUI #10, we more seriously considered IVF and decided that it just wasn't in our financial future. That was March I think. In April, we decided to take a month off so that our checking account could recover from the winter's many oil bills and birthday-month Jeep repairs and registration (happy birthday to us, state of NH DOT). Now it's May and I will start my period in about two weeks. Let the baby-making re-commence.

I haven't used our beautiful MacBook Pro in a few days. Last night I said to my partner, 'I noticed that you got red wine all over everything...it's on the coffee table and on the floor all the way into the kitchen.' She replied, 'well, that's because I dumped an entire glass of red wine on the computer.'

Deep breath in, exhale out.

'Really.'

'Yeah, and now the keyboard is fucked up and the back-lighting doesn't work.'

'Great.'

Now I think I'm on my way to a Mac Store's fix-it bar thingy since I am literally pounding the keys to get them to work...and the mouse pad really isn't doing anything.

See you in a couple weeks....