Friday, October 28, 2011
I feel like we've had a crazy week. First, the cat. I've had trouble eating and sleeping and coping with how the other critters are dealing with the loss. Then, it got worse. On Monday night, I had the shakes, I was cold, dizzy, nauseous, weak. By Tuesday, I couldn't eat at all. Wednesday I went to my doctor. I didn't think I had the flu or any other sickness and was concerned. I told him that I've felt this way before, and after giving him all of my symptoms, he said that I should track my symptoms and see what happens to me the next time I feel this way. He said that it could be connected to a glucose intolerance or even diabetes. Crazy.
Thursday I tried to go to work. Very shortly after I arrived, I got very light-headed and dizzy. I thought I might pass out. My whole head was tingling as if it fell asleep and was just waking up. I decided to get a ride to the hospital and have some blood work done.
After an evaluation maybe 10 minutes in length, the ER doctor took my blood. When he came back, he said that I am in perfect health, but his first reaction to me was that I was very anxious. We talked about the baby primarily and he told me that it can be a very stressful time in anyone's life. I didn't tell him about anything else going on but it was enough for me to be weepy and he sensed my stress. Then he left, the nurse came back and I was bawling. She hugged me and told me that her daughter is having difficulty with stress as well. She said that last week, her daughter was so stressed that she had a nose bleed for three days. She looked right at me and told me my symptoms were real.
I felt so much relief leaving the hospital with at least an answer and something to pin my feelings on. Nothing was wrong with me that I couldn't fix. Then, I started thinking about other situations in which I've felt the same way, like the concussion and some ridiculously busy weeks at work in the past several months. On Wednesday, my doctor was a bit baffled when I mentioned to him that I had symptoms for 3 or 4 months following the concussion. 'Did you get knocked out?' he asked. I didn't, and he then said that was a defining line between a severe concussion and a not-so-severe concussion. He seemed confused. My concussion symptoms were just like this whole past week. Everything past a few weeks of headaches, the panic attack; I think I brought all of this on myself. I prolonged it. What the fuck?
Apparently, this is something that I really need to focus on and pay attention to. I've always been an emotionally sensitive person with a very strong facade. I thought that I had a decent way to cope and deal with stress, but I obviously have to work on it. My partner says that I don't talk enough and I don't share my feelings enough with her, and when it comes right down to it, I am stressed out about getting pregnant, being pregnant, having a baby and being a parent and all the ways it's going to change my life. I really want to be able to do everything to my best ability, for myself, for my partner, including continuing to work, and it's a lot to think about. I had no idea that I could be capable of making myself feel the way I have this week. I had no idea that I could be that person. Absolutely crazy.