The Fertility Mug is Broken

It's Monday and I'm sitting here, writing my blog and drinking coffee out of the fertility mug. I'm not so convinced that it's actually helping me get pregnant as much as it is a reminder of some of my closest friends who are so supportive.

A few months ago my partner and I went back home to western MA to celebrate our friend's surprise birthday. We had made plans with her partner to stay at their house that night so we didn't have to get a hotel room. It was so much fun to surprise her!

Later that night, we went back to their house to get settled in. There was one more present to open: a coffee mug for the birthday girl. This was no ordinary mug. The birthday girl has asked for a new, hand-made mug from her favorite potter. When she opened it up, I mentioned how much I liked it as well. And then my guest bedroom was calling....I have such a low tolerance for booze now that I barely drink anything at all....

The next morning as we were getting ready to go, both of our hosts approached me with a box. I knew the mug was in it. After asking why they were giving it to me, they said 'it can be your fertility mug,' and the name sort of stuck.

No matter how I've tried to think positive this week, as I tinkled on the stick and saw the results of IUI #10, I knew the outcome would be negative.  I've had cramps for days now. I found my phone and sent a text to the WMA girls.  'The fertility mug is broken.' But just as quickly as that text was sent, they replied with their super-supportive attitudes and comments. I wish so much (for both of our sakes) that we were physically closer to some of our friends back home. It's hard sometimes when we only have each other here. We are definitely due for a visit.

We now are going to do some additional testing to measure the size of the polyps and determine if they are in fact big enough to be hindering implantation. Once we have that information, we'll decide if we're going to remove them.

I think we'll remove them anyway. It seems to be the only logical thing that is keeping me from getting pregnant at this point.

Lesbians at the Ladies Luncheon

We tested on Saturday....not pregnant. Just before we tested, my partner was very tense. She would much rather that I don't tinkle on the stick and just wait for my period to either start or not. I was excited to test. How could I possibly wait any longer to know the outcome of our patience. One way or another I would be happy; either with baby in belly or with cocktail in hand.

It takes forever for that stupid flashing hour glass to change to words. We sat silently and waited. When 'not' showed up in front of 'pregnant', my heart sank and I went from optimistic to sad and frustrated pretty quick. My partner, on the other hand, switched from pessimistic to optimistic, lecturing me about how we'll get 'em next time, and it will happen when it happens. She even went as far as to say that if it never happened, it would be okay. The miniature martini that she made for me sat mostly full and was mostly dumped out at the end of the night. I did, however, enjoy the gin-soaked olives.

This emotional transition is typical. I am always smiling going into the bathroom, while my partner is freaking out. And then, we switch. I tried to explain to her that I would much rather she embrace her current emotion and be pissed off instead of going into 'we'll get 'em next time' mode. She thinks that she's protecting and supporting me by basically hiding her real emotions. When I finally get her to knock it off, she lets it rip. Frustration, anger, sadness. We agree on our emotions, finally.

Sunday we woke up to our typical routine of CBS news programing. Around noon, we finally decided that we should get ready to go to our neighborhood ladies gathering. After all, we were supposed to be bringing something, and that something had yet to be created.

As lesbians, being invited to a neighborhood ladies gathering is somewhat odd. Our neighbors across the street came over one day and handed us the invite. At that moment, I knew we had to go. We envisioned a group of red hat society women sitting around a lace-clad table with ornate china tea cups, and I had to know if this was the case.

Now it was about a quarter til the party was supposed to start. Still no snack to bring. Being the Betty Crocker lesbians we are, we decided to go to the store and get a block of cheese and a box of crackers.

I am so glad we went! It was not a group of ancient women. We met some really great people that live just a short walk away. One of them has a husband who is an adoption lawyer, which will come in handy since our original lawyer refuses to return my phone calls. I can see that this summer, we'll have fun hanging out with several of them.

Today, I'm back to being optimistic about our next round. But I haven't even started my period yet.

cleanse over and out

Well, I took the big tinkle test.....and it's a big fat negative. Bring on the soda, coffee, ibuprofen and booze.

It's amazing that I was disappointed at all; I've had cramps now for DAYS. What a nice, friendly reminder, right? Even though I expected the negative results, it was still hard to read 'not pregant' on the digital read-out. And I've decided that clomid makes me a raging, crazy bitch who is cranky and ready to kill those who cross me just about 24-7. I think it is also making my premenstrual symptoms worse. I don't normally have cramps for DAYS before my period starts for example. I've also been having headaches which is unusual for me. And now there will be a third month of clomid. Yay.

Today is only day 27 in my cycle and I took the tinkle test yesterday.....perhaps I shouldn't be so negative. I've still got maybe two or three days before an impending period.

There is another drug that I could try. Letrozole is another ovulation stimulator that has it's own set of side affects. Perhaps I'll chat with the new doc about this and see what the real difference could be.

In theory, I am ovulating just fine on my own and shouldn't need any drugs to get pregnant. In theory, theories stink.

Marc Anthony Syndrome: it's more serious than you think

I've never met a lesbian who wasn't a little neurotic. Just even a little. Some more than others. We're so defiant as a whole, strong-headed, and we tend to take after the honey badger and just not give a shit. In our case, we also crave knowledge like the plague. We just need to know; my partner refers to this as 'Marc Anthony Syndrome', and then I typically get a little tidbit of the song sung to me in perfect pitch....he he. After my weekend of miscommunication, I've decided that I should give our Dartmouth contact a little break; after all, if she is the ring leader for a couple dozen lesbians, then she has her hands full and could potentially be completely consumed with hopefully preggo lesbos who need to know everything right now.

It is a small break, however. We sent her an email right away after our negative blood test with a whole new list of questions. As of today, we've come up with even more questions and situations to discuss. I had a long chat with her yesterday afternoon, and our conclusion is that we should come in and have a face-to-face with our doctor and get everything out at once. I love this idea. 

Both our contact and our doctor are baffled by the fact that we had a positive at-home test and then a negative blood test. Typically, she said, it happens the other way around where people have a negative home test but are in fact pregnant. That being said, they are very curious to do some further testing. They suggested that we take the current cycle to meet with the doctor and do some testing and not do an IUI. At first I thought that was a bad idea, but the more we both thought about it, we decided it is best. Why should we throw away more money if in fact something is not jiving down there? 

This break will give us a much-needed chance to catch our breath, calm down, save money, formulate a master list of questions for the doctor and chillax on the Marc Anthony Syndrome. *Sigh*, much better.

not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant

This is going to be a long post; my apologies now for being long-winded. I have a pumpkin beer helping me write, so I'm good. Go on, get yourself a cocktail.

Friday morning: Tinkle day. Both of us got up at 5am so that I could use my first tinkle of the day for the test. As I walked into the bathroom, I was thinking that something was up down there....period; a familiar spoogy sensation. I am literally half asleep, so I get the tinkle stick out anyway and pee on it. Less than a minute later, it says 'pregnant'. We are both a little dazed and confused (simply because it's 5am). My partner wears contacts and hasn't put them in yet. She has to put her face way up to the display screen to read the single word. It really says 'pregant,' not ' not pregnant.' We don't know what to think. I rationalize that maybe I'm just having a little light spotting. So we start our day as cautiously excited.

We go downstairs, make some coffee and write an email to our contact at Dartmouth. I go off to work.

By the time I get to the north country, I've got an email back from our contact. She wants us to tell her about the color of the blood and says that we should go in for a blood test. I write back.

It's Friday, and for those of you who get it, it's not the greatest day for me to have to leave work early. Or at all. But it never fails that we're going to have our IUI's and whatever else we need to do on Fridays. My body is playing sick games with me I think. It's not just ironic.

So I leave our contact a voicemail. Finally around noon she gets back to me. She asks me where I'd like to go to get my blood drawn and I say back somewhere near my house. We talk about the hospital which is minutes from my house. Fine, she'll set it up. 'Oh wait,' she says. 'Let's check your blood type. Oh, you're a negative blood type which means you'll need Rhogam.'

'What is Rhogam? Why do I need it?'

'Rhogam is a shot that women with negative blood types need when they first get pregnant, again at 28 weeks, and then again after birth only if the child has (a certain blood type that I can't recall).'

What I want to say is 'why the hell are you just now figuring this out when you've known my blood type since day one?' But, I digress. Same lack of communication, different day.

'Okay, so where can I get the shot?' We decide that she'll set it up for me to get my blood drawn at the local hospital and then if I'm in fact pregnant, go to my PCP for the shot. I am to wait until she gets back to me with more info.

She calls me back in a few minutes. Apparently my PCP takes an hour and a half for lunch, so she can't talk to them until 1:30pm. Are you serious? Who has that much time for lunch? Finally again, our contact calls back at 2pm. Still waiting to hear back from someone else regarding the blood work. We're in a holding pattern.

Finally, I just can't think clearly anymore at work. Must be around 3:00pm. I've got to get out of the north country or I'll never get back home before the end of business hours. I call our contact and tell her I'm headed down south. 'Any additional word?'

'No', she says. 'Still waiting'.

So I go home. Then I get a phone call at 4:45 from my PCP. They are wondering where I am. I am now just confused. I was waiting for more information, and never got it. My PCP asked if I'd had the blood work done yet. When I said no, she said I should get my butt to the hospital since their lab closes at 5pm. WHAT THE FUCK. No information. Huge communication breakdown on all parties.

I get to the lab at literally 4:55. They are trying to explain to me that I won't be able to get my lab results back today, which means that I'll have to wait until tomorrow to know if I need the Rhogam or not. But Saturday is not an option for a potential doctor's appointment that's 2 freakin hours from my job. Silly brides and their weddings.

The lab people have a private huddle and decide that they can stay late to do my test. Amazing, and so nice of them considering how long my day has been at this point. They said we should go home and they'll call me in an hour or two.

We go home. At this point, I'm fairly convinced that I'm not pregnant. My period is raging and the cramps are unbearable. When the phone rings, we put it on speaker and happily say 'hi'. The woman says 'Well, don't sound so excited. You're not pregnant.' It was a gentle let down, really. Not.

Shock. Tears. Confusion. Advil. In that order. Why was the at home test positive in the first place? Another email sent to our contact with a fresh list of questions.

I don't think Mother Nature likes me on Fridays. She is always screwing with them.

Two weeks closer to our next insemination....

Yes, we are two weeks away from another trip to Dartmouth. Not pregnant.

My period is alive and well; cramps that almost had me doubled over today in meetings. The only good news tonight is the cape codder that is helping me write this. Vodka really is good.

I was so optimistic this time, for the first time ever. But my optimism faded as I started to get crampy and PMSy. Apparently I will just continue to 'go with the flow' and try try again.

Tonight's conversation is positive; about Jeopardy answers (don't call out house durring Jeopardy, we won't answer) and the possibility of marriage in August. I had a bride cancel (her whole wedding was canceled....uh oh).....freed up a whole weekend for me. Why not take advantage of that?! I think it was meant to be. Elope to the cape. Actually elope, not what these crazy people at the hotel call eloping (planning to elope definitely doesn't count. Or when you have more than 5 guests on a meal plan.) Where can we find a nice little free beach to enjoy for an afternoon?

For now, I will continue to enjoy my cape codder, get through my crazy work week and imagine a wedding on the cape. My partner just threw out yet another fabulous girl name option from some commercial. For now, tampons are on my shopping list.

Not pregnant......post concussive syndrome I DON'T LIKE YOU.

No, not pregnant. And having crazy period. Somehow though, I am OK with that. I have GOT to feel better soon with this head stuff. It is making me literally crazy. I approached a conversation last night with my partner about possibly holding off on baby making until we get this under control. I think we're still talking and thinking about it. Not that it's my first choice. I finally really want to have a baby and feel ready, but something has got to give.

The other day someone asked me if I had considered going to see a chiropractor. What a great idea! I asked my doctor what she though, and her immediate response was to not go to a chiropractor, but to instead go and have acupuncture. Again, amazing idea. It makes complete sense.

I am going today for my first treatment. The person I spoke to over the phone said that he has treated people with concussions before with much success. I am actually very excited to get poked with a million needles; I must be turning a new leaf.

dizzy I why am so?

Today is the big day......tinkle day. I will unpack that fancy digital pregnancy test later today when my partner gets home from work. And I have been dying to now for at least four days.

Four days ago I had an insane dizzy spell coupled with the biggest migraine I've had in a decade, and essentially, I've been in a range of somewhat to ridiculously dizzy ever since. Part of me wants to blame it on the concussion. But that was almost a month ago now and I hope I am not so dizzy due to that! Another part of me wants to blame it on an Easter hangover. After all, if you all could have seen the amount of kielbasa I ate, you would be sick to your stomach too. And then, a big part of me wants to blame it on a baby in my belly!!!!! The issue is that the dizzy, nausea, ringing in my ears, etc. can totally be post concussive syndrome symptoms, but somehow, I think this is different than the way I felt earlier this month.

I don't have any crazy boob pain or other weird symptoms like last month. As a matter of fact, I didn't feel anything possibly relating to pregnancy until just four days ago. And, interestingly enough, I don't feel entirely premenstrual even though my period would start in a day or two.

Oh, I will be analyzing every little ache and pain today that's for sure. I seriously can't wait until she gets home. I hope she leaves early.....

No really, it's fine, we're going to try again.

I feel as though I've spent the past days since the test explaining how making babies works to very successful parents. Seriously people, chill out.

We took our pregnancy test on Wednesday. Even though the instructions say to wait 3 minutes for results, it only took that tiny digital screen about one minute to produce a 'not pregnant' reading. After the initial shock wore off, (it is shocking simply staring at a piece of plastic that you just pee'd on at a flashing hour glass symbol for an undisclosed amount of time and then BAM! a result appears,) we sat in the bathroom trying to pump ourselves up for next month. There were statements like 'Oh, I knew we wouldn't get pregnant on the first try,' and 'How could we have been so lucky as to only have to do this once?' But ultimately, our doctor and nurses told us that the majority of people in my category (under 30...) and my health (average body build, average excercize patterns...sometimes) usually get pregnant on the second or third try. We've been reminding ourselves of that for the past couple days now.

I know this sounds awful, but I had an amazing martini later that night. Well, as amazing as mid-grade gin, vermouth and olive juice shaken until frigid can possilby be. Stress, stress, stress.

Today is Sunday morning and the now third day of my new menstral cycle. I haven't drank since the martini on Wednesday, which is fine. I think that now I'm even more mentally prepared for this whole process. A little bad news really puts you in a different mind set. What a reality check. It's a reality check for my circle of close friends, family and others who are 'in the know' as well. It's as if they all think that this IUI thing is a scientific guarantee for baby. My mother for example has been preaching to me since day one that we'll only need one vial, one shot, one time. Apparantly she and my sister were both superbly fertile. I sort of didn't want to know that information. I've had to re-explain to many what we've been told about concieving. It's still a very simple yet complex reaction between sperm and egg, regardless of how they meet up. We will have to see if this month they share a little more chemistry down there.