Hard Days Night

Up until this point, I feel like I've been fairly optimistic about this whole process. Even though I get discouraged at times, I always jump back to being positive. The other day as I left work and headed to CVS to pick up my letrozole and ovidrel once again, something changed; my chest ached. I was disappointed, mad, frustrated. Why hasn't this worked? I was discouraged. Here we go again.

Wait, am I going to turn into that blogger? Crap.

We've been to 9 unsuccessful IUI's to date, but we've been officially at it for one year this month. We took two months off during the concussion phase, and then another month off when we switched doctors and did the HSG. I think it's really hitting home this month since it's been a year of it now.

My therapist says that I should embody the new spring season and be aware of all the reproduction and births happening around me in nature.  It's hard to do that when most of my outdoor time is spent speeding by nature on the highway; an hour and twenty minutes each way on a good day. I've been trying to look out my windshield and observe the trees...are they budding yet? But, it's getting dark by this point, and it seems to be distracting me from staying in my lane more than anything at this point.

As I pulled into the parking lot and went inside, I saw the same young guy behind the counter as always. He must always work the closing shift. He asked my name and got my prescriptions. As he put them down on the counter, he empathetically said 'still no luck?'

I paused, sort of questioning the fact that he was asking me such a personal question about the prescriptions I was picking up. Isn't that breaking some patient confidentiality law thingy?

'No, not yet.'

'My wife and I are trying to get pregnant too. She's taking Clomid, but I think we're going to do the trigger injections soon.' Now I understood.

'And how does she like the Clomid?'

'She hates it, horrible.'

'The letrozole is way better, no side effects at all. You guys should try it. How long have you been trying to get pregnant?'

'Six months. She just doesn't ovulate.' His face visibly sank. 'It's so hard.'

I agreed. He finished cashing me out (I was also picking up some very vogue nail polish I saw in some bridal magazine) and I said as cheerfully as possible, 'I hope I don't see you next month!' I wished him luck and went on my way.

He sort of changed my day with that short conversation. Here was this young man...I can only assume his wife is young as well...who saw me, a young woman, and just couldn't resist but to talk to somebody who would understand. I am so glad he broke whatever rules he broke. I don't even know his name, but I will be sure to stop in next month regardless and see how it's going.

I Love Letrozole :-)

Let's see.....time to catch up.

The TTW was annoying as usual. I am not pregnant. Valentine's Day nearly killed me at work and I have now enjoyed three days off in a row to recouperate.

Yesterday we went to the aquarium with all the thousands of other's on Mass school vacation. So many kids to chuckle about in awe of the creatures on display. And then we had a killer dinner at Island Creek Oyster Bar over by BU/Fenway/Kenmore. Super-highly recommended! Today, we're going to a wine tasting, delish! Okay, now for the better baby stuff.

We met with our doctor just before my period started to come up with a game plan if I was in fact not pregnant (you know, since we're just so freakin pro-active and all, but I'm glad we did). This cycle, we decided to use Letrozole instead of Clomid (no more Clomid ever). It's the same deal essentially; take your dose over 5 days time prior to ovulation. The Letrozole and Clomid work differently in the brain and block different transmitters. The major difference for me: zero side effects. Litterally zero. *sigh* Awesome.

We also discussed using an ovulation 'trigger' Ovidrel injection. The injection is done in your stomach, and about 36 hours later, you go in for your IUI. Essentially, this let's the doctor time my ovulation as closely as possible to my IUI. Very exciting, well, except for the self-injecting part. This will be our track for the next 4 cycles....but this is the one, so we won't be needing the other 3.

So my nurse called in the prescriptions to CVS (like always). I got a message from CVS a few days later saying that my prescription was delayed. I called to see what that meant, and the lady on the phone said, 'Oh, it's because we wanted to let you know that one of the prescriptions is not covered by your insurance and costs $129.00.' More freakin money. She suggested that I call around to other pharmacies and see if I can get a better deal somewhere else. I am so glad I did because it really opened up my eyes to the fact that no two pharmacies prices are equal. The most expensive place (which was Walmart people) wanted $156.00 and the cheapest place (Walgreens) had a 'members club' that you could join and save money on prescriptions. For only $85.00, I got my Letrozole. Walgreens did not carry the Ovidrel injection that I needed so I went back to CVS to get it....only to discover that I had my prescriptions reversed in my brain and that the Ovidrel was the expensive one not covered by my insurance, not the Letrozole. FML!! I blame my mix-up on Valentine's Day Brain. Another $129.00.

Everything is getting more expensive. Midwest raised their IUI-ready specimen price to $525 including shipping and Dartmouth raised their IUI price to $407. Happy New Year, right?!

Ooohh Oooohh....and we went for an ultrasound to look at my little folicle eggies. It was really cool to see on the screen. They measured my eggs so that they could decide when they would be ripe enough to ovulate and then tell me when to take the injection.

Yesterday was day 12, and I gave myself the injection at 9:15pm. Our IUI is Monday at 10am :-)

Relax, bug eye, you're making me nuts.

Last night as I told my partner that I'd started my period earlier in the day, we got into our now once-monthly argument over what we can do to improve our chances of pregnancy. As mentioned earlier, patience is not a virtue that she holds dearly. She was insisting that I call the nurse (as I would anyway at this point to let her know that I'm in fact not pregnant) and list off a bunch of questions about what we're doing/not doing and to make sure that there's nothing else we should be doing. She also has this thing about meningitis. When I was nine I had a form of meningitis, and she's convinced it has raised my body temperature permanently, decreasing our chances of pregnancy (not the case, solid 98.6). We have asked the question before; she won't let it go.

I tell her that I can't go on like this. I refuse to ask these questions every, single month. I think that we both need to just stop with the crazy proactivity and let nature take it's course. The only valid question that we might have is to ask about the difference between clomid and letrozole once more and see if it could be a good option for me....clomid=crazy bitch, letrozole I'm sure=different list of similar side effects. But perhaps I will bring this up to the nurse today when I call.

'I feel so vulnerable. I am the third party,' she says. She is sort of out of the loop, I suppose. I make all the phone calls, send all the emails, talk to the nurses, order the sperm. 'If you want to be a part of the process, you actually need to do something. Why don't you make the phone call tomorrow, then you can ask your questions?' Same conversation we had last month. We decide that I will make the phone call since I can explain how I feel with the clomid better than she can. I promise to repeat verbatim my conversation with the nurse instead of abbreviating like I normally do. Same resolution as last month.

'This is really hard, really hard,' I say to her. 'But I don't want you to feel left out, your shouldn't. You are just as important in this process as I am.' It's taken probably 15 minutes to get to this point. We both calm down.

Finally, we pause. Sarcasm takes over. I tell her that I'm also going to ask the nurse for a prescription horse tranquilizer that she can take on days 27-30 of my cycle.