Straight men vs. lesbians; babies make us all nuts.

Well here we are, day 8 of my cycle. We decided to once again skip a cycle. My partner and I have come a long way in terms of the urgency to continue back-to-back IUI's. This month's challenge: to take or not to take a summer vacation. In just a few weeks, I will be traveling to Miami for a whole week to attend a seminar. Unfortunately, we can only afford to either do an IUI or have my partner travel with me. I left the decision up to her; I didn't want to influence her priority. After much discussion and a little advice from some friends, we decided a vacation was in order. I'm glad she'll be with me in Miami. A huge reason I'm going is to sit for a test potentially giving me national certification as a floral designer; it's a big deal for my career and it will be wonderful to have my rock with me.

This will be our third month in a row off from baby-making. I don't know what it is, but I've had a few noteworthy experiences with men and babies during this time. You might remember a few months ago my pal from CVS; a young, hopeful father who was emotionally struggling with his own infertility challenges with his wife. I could tell how badly he wanted pregnancy to happen for them (and sense his nervousness and helplessness), but could also see that they had real infertility challenges to overcome.

Then, there is one of my co-workers. He is a new father; their baby was born just a couple months ago. Throughout their entire pregnancy, he was excited and totally amped up. And now that their little girl is here, he beams with pride. The other day he brought her to work to have lunch with his mother-in-law. I ran into him outside. It was another beautiful, amazing day in the north country with just perfect weather. The group of girls I was with asked him 'So how are you liking it so far?' I don't think anyone could have smacked the smile off his face. My face hurt just looking at his flexed cheeks. He just loves every minute of it.

And lastly, there is my mechanic. I drive a lot, about 150 miles a day, so I get my oil changed about once every 6 weeks. He works at a large dealership and does other side jobs after hours. A couple oil changes ago, he mentioned to me that they we expecting their second child. Ever since that weeknight after work, our oil changes are sort of like joint pregnancy therapy sessions. He is truly a guys sort of guy, but I know that he is stressed out about having another baby. How to pay for everything, how to start all over with an infant, the stress it can put on a relationship, how to learn again to identify the needs of a baby and if there's something wrong....they can't just tell you how they feel!! I know he's a great father for their daughter, but who would have thought that he carried so much stress about having another?

It all makes me think about that day a few months ago that I sat in my PCP's office crying over my own pregnancy stresses. She said something that has stuck with me. 'It's amazing how people, whether men or women, gay or straight, cope with pregnancy and babies in general.' Babies are at the root of our very being. We strive to reproduce. It is viewed as an achievement in life. Everyone has their concerns, but I agree, what's really interesting is how certain concerns match up with certain genders and sexual preferences. Women have different stresses than men. Gay women have different stresses than straight women. But, gay couples still have the same concerns as straight couples, we just cope with them differently. Even though we're lesbians, one of us (or both in some cases) share these somewhat male emotions of feeling helpless and disconnected in the fertility process, beaming with pride at the thought of a baby, or feeling worried about providing for and developing a small life. Simply put, babies screw with everyone's mental state equally; there is no discrimination or minority here.

Lesbians at the Ladies Luncheon

We tested on Saturday....not pregnant. Just before we tested, my partner was very tense. She would much rather that I don't tinkle on the stick and just wait for my period to either start or not. I was excited to test. How could I possibly wait any longer to know the outcome of our patience. One way or another I would be happy; either with baby in belly or with cocktail in hand.

It takes forever for that stupid flashing hour glass to change to words. We sat silently and waited. When 'not' showed up in front of 'pregnant', my heart sank and I went from optimistic to sad and frustrated pretty quick. My partner, on the other hand, switched from pessimistic to optimistic, lecturing me about how we'll get 'em next time, and it will happen when it happens. She even went as far as to say that if it never happened, it would be okay. The miniature martini that she made for me sat mostly full and was mostly dumped out at the end of the night. I did, however, enjoy the gin-soaked olives.

This emotional transition is typical. I am always smiling going into the bathroom, while my partner is freaking out. And then, we switch. I tried to explain to her that I would much rather she embrace her current emotion and be pissed off instead of going into 'we'll get 'em next time' mode. She thinks that she's protecting and supporting me by basically hiding her real emotions. When I finally get her to knock it off, she lets it rip. Frustration, anger, sadness. We agree on our emotions, finally.

Sunday we woke up to our typical routine of CBS news programing. Around noon, we finally decided that we should get ready to go to our neighborhood ladies gathering. After all, we were supposed to be bringing something, and that something had yet to be created.

As lesbians, being invited to a neighborhood ladies gathering is somewhat odd. Our neighbors across the street came over one day and handed us the invite. At that moment, I knew we had to go. We envisioned a group of red hat society women sitting around a lace-clad table with ornate china tea cups, and I had to know if this was the case.

Now it was about a quarter til the party was supposed to start. Still no snack to bring. Being the Betty Crocker lesbians we are, we decided to go to the store and get a block of cheese and a box of crackers.

I am so glad we went! It was not a group of ancient women. We met some really great people that live just a short walk away. One of them has a husband who is an adoption lawyer, which will come in handy since our original lawyer refuses to return my phone calls. I can see that this summer, we'll have fun hanging out with several of them.

Today, I'm back to being optimistic about our next round. But I haven't even started my period yet.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

Alrighty. Hope this doesn't get long-winded. There is a lot of crap to cover.

The vacation we took the first week of December was good. We went to Memphis to visit my partner's family. It was so nice to get away and see different faces and catch up with her brother's two kids. They are so freakin cute.....a little girl who's 2 1/2 and a little boy who's 10 months. Everything was great, except perhaps the last day of our trip when our THREE-leg plane ride was delayed TWICE. Let's just say this: by the last day of the trip, we're always ready to get home. Not just for sake of being home, but to get some of our own personal time as well. The 12+ hour day in the airport(s) included some agitation and nagging and probably too much eating and drinking, and we were both glad when it was over.

December is that time of the year when everyone you know (and some people that you forgot you know) sends you a photo card of their family. Could be a picture of their dogs or their flock of children. But really, we're not resentful......the Christmas Spirit never came to our house this year. No tree, no decorations, no cards, no nothing. It all stayed in the basement. One of my co-workers asked me which I disliked more, Christmas, or full-on wedding season. I quickly said Christmas. I am so bah-humbug right now that I don't even want to leave my ground-level workspace to ascend the lobby and see the decorations. Flip side, I could make bridal bouquets all day (and do in August).

My partner did surprise me with a little Christmas Eve dinner. I got home from work and there she was, laying it all out, Christmas music on, candles lit. It was a wonderful surprise.

On Christmas Day we went to my parent's house, which has become a rather regular thing. She calls it 'groundhog day' due to the regularity of not just the trip itself, but the whole experience. Same people, same food, same inter-family business. Oh, and many of the same gifts as regularly given each year. My sister was supposed to come with her husband and baby, but they couldn't make it. She is in the early stages of being pregnant again and having horrid morning sickness (she just announced this a few days ago). Although I would have enjoyed seeing my nephew, I am sort of okay with them staying home. Neither of us are in the mood for a full day of 'oh, I'm so excited for you.' Again, I am not resentful......just maybe a little bit disappointed that she calls me all excited and happy and barely asks me how my process is going.

But for some reason, the overall vibe of Christmas this year was a little different. On the car ride home, my partner said that she really enjoyed herself. There was no complaining about how we should have left hours ago or that someone drove her nuts. Instead, we talked about the good things that happened and funny things discussed during the day. Well, of course we covered the funny-bad things that were discussed as well, but you get my point. Overall, it was a different experience than usual.

And finally, after much waiting and anticipation, yesterday we went for IUI #7 (clomid this cycle). Lucky number 7. Our fav OB nurse was out yesterday, and her replacement was not, how should I say this, gentle. Ouchies in my hoo-haa. After my probing, we went out to dinner.....sushi for the last time for a while, right!? I had my last sips of booze for a while as well....gross, luke-warm sake. Memorable, truly.

not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant

This is going to be a long post; my apologies now for being long-winded. I have a pumpkin beer helping me write, so I'm good. Go on, get yourself a cocktail.

Friday morning: Tinkle day. Both of us got up at 5am so that I could use my first tinkle of the day for the test. As I walked into the bathroom, I was thinking that something was up down there....period; a familiar spoogy sensation. I am literally half asleep, so I get the tinkle stick out anyway and pee on it. Less than a minute later, it says 'pregnant'. We are both a little dazed and confused (simply because it's 5am). My partner wears contacts and hasn't put them in yet. She has to put her face way up to the display screen to read the single word. It really says 'pregant,' not ' not pregnant.' We don't know what to think. I rationalize that maybe I'm just having a little light spotting. So we start our day as cautiously excited.

We go downstairs, make some coffee and write an email to our contact at Dartmouth. I go off to work.

By the time I get to the north country, I've got an email back from our contact. She wants us to tell her about the color of the blood and says that we should go in for a blood test. I write back.

It's Friday, and for those of you who get it, it's not the greatest day for me to have to leave work early. Or at all. But it never fails that we're going to have our IUI's and whatever else we need to do on Fridays. My body is playing sick games with me I think. It's not just ironic.

So I leave our contact a voicemail. Finally around noon she gets back to me. She asks me where I'd like to go to get my blood drawn and I say back somewhere near my house. We talk about the hospital which is minutes from my house. Fine, she'll set it up. 'Oh wait,' she says. 'Let's check your blood type. Oh, you're a negative blood type which means you'll need Rhogam.'

'What is Rhogam? Why do I need it?'

'Rhogam is a shot that women with negative blood types need when they first get pregnant, again at 28 weeks, and then again after birth only if the child has (a certain blood type that I can't recall).'

What I want to say is 'why the hell are you just now figuring this out when you've known my blood type since day one?' But, I digress. Same lack of communication, different day.

'Okay, so where can I get the shot?' We decide that she'll set it up for me to get my blood drawn at the local hospital and then if I'm in fact pregnant, go to my PCP for the shot. I am to wait until she gets back to me with more info.

She calls me back in a few minutes. Apparently my PCP takes an hour and a half for lunch, so she can't talk to them until 1:30pm. Are you serious? Who has that much time for lunch? Finally again, our contact calls back at 2pm. Still waiting to hear back from someone else regarding the blood work. We're in a holding pattern.

Finally, I just can't think clearly anymore at work. Must be around 3:00pm. I've got to get out of the north country or I'll never get back home before the end of business hours. I call our contact and tell her I'm headed down south. 'Any additional word?'

'No', she says. 'Still waiting'.

So I go home. Then I get a phone call at 4:45 from my PCP. They are wondering where I am. I am now just confused. I was waiting for more information, and never got it. My PCP asked if I'd had the blood work done yet. When I said no, she said I should get my butt to the hospital since their lab closes at 5pm. WHAT THE FUCK. No information. Huge communication breakdown on all parties.

I get to the lab at literally 4:55. They are trying to explain to me that I won't be able to get my lab results back today, which means that I'll have to wait until tomorrow to know if I need the Rhogam or not. But Saturday is not an option for a potential doctor's appointment that's 2 freakin hours from my job. Silly brides and their weddings.

The lab people have a private huddle and decide that they can stay late to do my test. Amazing, and so nice of them considering how long my day has been at this point. They said we should go home and they'll call me in an hour or two.

We go home. At this point, I'm fairly convinced that I'm not pregnant. My period is raging and the cramps are unbearable. When the phone rings, we put it on speaker and happily say 'hi'. The woman says 'Well, don't sound so excited. You're not pregnant.' It was a gentle let down, really. Not.

Shock. Tears. Confusion. Advil. In that order. Why was the at home test positive in the first place? Another email sent to our contact with a fresh list of questions.

I don't think Mother Nature likes me on Fridays. She is always screwing with them.

Life is so frickin' busy.

Well, if I were you, I'd be very upset with me. I've dedicated no time at all to sharing our latest day-to-day baby making journeys. Essentially, I've gotten up at O'Dark-Hundred, gone to work, worked my ass off, come home in the dark, eaten, maybe watched some stupid summer TV reality show (seriously bachelorette, give me a break) and gone to bed only to get up and do it again the next day. I suppose, they say you have to make hay in the sunshine, right? Well if that's the case, I think I have heat exhaustion.

So..... baby making...... right.

We went for our fourth IUI last Thursday, which was amazing timing for my crazy weekend schedule with weddings at the hotel. We've had only two different people do the procedure with us this whole time: Elizabeth, who has helped us with our first, second and fourth IUI, and Katy, who has been our main point of contact as well as helped us with our third IUI. Elizabeth is that quintessential nurse OB figure; middle-aged, a little overweight, shoulder-length wavy chestnut hair, very pleasant, and loves to chat about what's going on inside your hoo-haa. We did in fact decide to switch sperm donors for this go, which was a good idea, especially when Elizabeth comes in the room after looking at the sample under a microscope and announces that 'this one is a keeper. It looks like this sample could be fresh not frozen!!'

Ah yes, our new donor is still from California Cryobank. I feel as though I've cheated on our original donor simply because he couldn't get the job done. Very shallow of me. LOL. He is some sort of genius rocket scientist with a PhD.....my partner would have nothing less. I'm not sure he's as handsome as the first donor could have been, but I suppose we might just find out.

So our sperm sample was superlative and according to Elizabeth my hoo-haa was as well. Every time I say, 'Elizabeth, you tell that to everyone,' but she claims not to. So why hasn't it worked yet!!??

Down and dirty legal stuff: Get excited about spending more money on pregnancy.

So, the other day my partner and I decided to visit a lawyer and learn about what our potential pregnancy and child means legally to our relationship. Oh my, it was a lot to focus and concentrate on given my concussion!! Here's the deal; gay, straight, a-sexual, it doesn't matter; Everyone should know the implications of your legal rights as a family. Make an effort to figure it out for your particular family.

In the state of New Hampshire, I can legally marry my partner, of which we have yet to do. We own a home that has both of our names listed on it equally. We formally share everything legally with the exception of the '98 Wrangler....and I am sort of OK with that. It was her first love anyway, long before I came into the picture. Love the jeep on a nice day....don't need it to be willed to me. Sorry Grape Ape...

That being said, most couples, gay or straight, figure that they are all set as long as they're married in terms of the legality of their relationship with or without kids. The one thing I learned today that was most shocking is that even if you are married, your spouse has no legal right to make health or financial decisions for you if you are unable to make such a decision on your own (let's say you're in a comma for example. Even if your spouse is listed as your next of kin in your will, you technically still need more documentation that proves they are the one to make these potentially life-altering decisions). The reason most people don't understand this is because our society assumes that if you're married, you've made strides to give your spouse this legal right. But technically if you haven't filled these documents, you could be held liable in a court of law later down the road.

And then there's the gays. We gays really get ticked off when we find things in our world that put us at a sub-human level than that our straight peers. Like for example, even if we were married, our doctor could potentially decide to be an asshole that day and make us prove our dependence on each other with documentation before they let one of us make a decision for the other, or on a lesser level, make a joint decision for our child. I've never heard of a straight and married couple with this issue.

And what happens when we decide to move out of New Hampshire? (Sorry NH, we're not staying here forever...) If we move to a state where gay marriage isn't recognized, then what? Our lawyer recommended that we go ahead and have my partner adopt the child to guarantee 100% protection. You see, as long as we get married before the baby is born, both of our names can be on the birth certificate...which is huge! The tiny little bit that's vague and would be helped with an adoption is if A). we break up. Let's say in 5 years it's over. I could actually claim through paternity whose kid it is....and guess what people, it's not hers. or B). we move to any state that doesn't recognize gay marriage. The birth certificate is good, but because my partner and I have would have no legal relationship, it sort of nullifies the perfect, straight-forward birth certificate.

More money. Everything costs money doesn't it. The adoption will be about $2,000 and the rest of the paperwork (living will, all that personal health and financial decision-making stuff) another $2,000. There are a few other fees that the lawyer recommended we pay directly to the court or the town offices, giving us a grand total of about $4,500. Peace of mind combined with enough papers with signatures to sock it to anyone and everyone is priceless I guess.