it's the most wonderful time of the year

Alrighty. Hope this doesn't get long-winded. There is a lot of crap to cover.

The vacation we took the first week of December was good. We went to Memphis to visit my partner's family. It was so nice to get away and see different faces and catch up with her brother's two kids. They are so freakin cute.....a little girl who's 2 1/2 and a little boy who's 10 months. Everything was great, except perhaps the last day of our trip when our THREE-leg plane ride was delayed TWICE. Let's just say this: by the last day of the trip, we're always ready to get home. Not just for sake of being home, but to get some of our own personal time as well. The 12+ hour day in the airport(s) included some agitation and nagging and probably too much eating and drinking, and we were both glad when it was over.

December is that time of the year when everyone you know (and some people that you forgot you know) sends you a photo card of their family. Could be a picture of their dogs or their flock of children. But really, we're not resentful......the Christmas Spirit never came to our house this year. No tree, no decorations, no cards, no nothing. It all stayed in the basement. One of my co-workers asked me which I disliked more, Christmas, or full-on wedding season. I quickly said Christmas. I am so bah-humbug right now that I don't even want to leave my ground-level workspace to ascend the lobby and see the decorations. Flip side, I could make bridal bouquets all day (and do in August).

My partner did surprise me with a little Christmas Eve dinner. I got home from work and there she was, laying it all out, Christmas music on, candles lit. It was a wonderful surprise.

On Christmas Day we went to my parent's house, which has become a rather regular thing. She calls it 'groundhog day' due to the regularity of not just the trip itself, but the whole experience. Same people, same food, same inter-family business. Oh, and many of the same gifts as regularly given each year. My sister was supposed to come with her husband and baby, but they couldn't make it. She is in the early stages of being pregnant again and having horrid morning sickness (she just announced this a few days ago). Although I would have enjoyed seeing my nephew, I am sort of okay with them staying home. Neither of us are in the mood for a full day of 'oh, I'm so excited for you.' Again, I am not resentful......just maybe a little bit disappointed that she calls me all excited and happy and barely asks me how my process is going.

But for some reason, the overall vibe of Christmas this year was a little different. On the car ride home, my partner said that she really enjoyed herself. There was no complaining about how we should have left hours ago or that someone drove her nuts. Instead, we talked about the good things that happened and funny things discussed during the day. Well, of course we covered the funny-bad things that were discussed as well, but you get my point. Overall, it was a different experience than usual.

And finally, after much waiting and anticipation, yesterday we went for IUI #7 (clomid this cycle). Lucky number 7. Our fav OB nurse was out yesterday, and her replacement was not, how should I say this, gentle. Ouchies in my hoo-haa. After my probing, we went out to dinner.....sushi for the last time for a while, right!? I had my last sips of booze for a while as well....gross, luke-warm sake. Memorable, truly.

We'll call this one 'The half-month wrap-up'

Well.....I hate this month. It's November and you ask, 'what's there to hate about November?' For starters, here in NH I'm shaking cold one minute and I'm sweating the next. My sinuses don't know what to expect. But what I hate most about November is Christmas. And again you say, 'But Christmas is in December.' Yes, yes it is. Welcome to my decorating nightmare. Since November 1st I've been Christmas decorating all over the resort. My deadline to finish is in two days....Turkey Day. I am still waist deep in boxes. This explains my lapse in blogging.

IUI #6 was once again negative. I can't say that I'm surprised given the crazy emotional roller coaster the past month has been. But, even in all the craziness, I ovulated and menstruated just like business as usual. So I guess in theory, I can't blame my bouts of anxiety.

We did go and see the other doctor. It was a bit like cheating, but it was a great experience. She is young, brilliant, and fresh out of school...and as we both decided, sort of hot which doesn't hurt. Well, our last doctor was an old dude, so....kidding....she was great. Her nurse, our new point-of-contact, is also great (*yes*). We are both so happy with this latest move. It's not that she brought to light new information that we'd yet to hear. Most of it was the same, but she had a way of talking with us and explaining things to us that felt personal.

I had to cancel my nutritionist appointment. But, the reason for that was because I scheduled a hysterosalpingogram (so happy to call this thing an HSG from this point forth) at the same time. This is a radiology test where they can see if there is any sort of blockage in your fallopian tubes or weirdness going on in your uterus.  Essentially, they shoot iodine into your uterus and it swirls around and hopefully exits out your fallopian tubes. As I was getting ready for the big day, many people had warned me of the cramps. Let's just say that they were right. Holy crap. And for days following. And bloating. I have never been so bloated. I was so bloated that I think I could have stuck a pin in my abdomen and popped it like a balloon. Oh and lovely spotting (I really hate the word spotting) for days too. Fun stuff.

The HSG was fascinating to watch on the screen; sort of like a piece of black and white watercolor art coming to life. When it was done, the OB said that everything looked great. I knew it would be that way, but I feel so much better now that it's confirmed. So now we wait. We're not doing an IUI this month (I would be ovulating this weekend) to compensate for the cost of the HSG last week (total cost for test $3000. Our out of pocket cost, only about $400 with Anthem). Plus we're going on a much needed and deserved vacation in a week, and well, vacations cost money too.

Diarrhea of the mouth

Since my last post, I've had a few outbursts of anxiety, but nothing that my partner and I couldn't work through in maybe 30 minutes max. I am starting to figure out that I can't go on keeping my feelings inside; I need to let them all out as they happen....which is startling to both myself and my partner....and my staff (those poor people who had no idea I had critiques stuck in my brain). I am a new, outspoken, positive AND negative woman with concerns and fears that are spewing out.

Let's see, what has happened lately that could remotely relate to making a baby.....

We went for our 6th IUI  a week ago on Friday....less than a week more to wait. It was our first time with fabulous donor #345 from Midwest. He is a late-30's Phd who's field of study is biology. Our visit to Dartmouth was great. The same lady did our IUI again, and we had a nice, long chat about our journey to this point. She still thinks that it's odd that I haven't gotten pregnant yet, and since she's the one who looks in my hoo haa every time, I believe her. She said that we might want to get another doctor's opinion about our experience and had a great recommendation for a young woman fresh out of school at their Concord location. We have an appointment with her on Tuesday this week. I am sort of excited to hear another doctor's opinion, but honestly, I think she's going to tell us the same thing....we have to be patient.

I had an appointment with my PCP about the anxiety. She sensed that I crave information about what's going on in my body, so she recommended that I go and see a nutritionist. The appointment is later this month. I am REALLY excited about this appointment. I have always been fascinated by what we eat and how it affects our bodies and I can't wait to ask her all sorts of questions about what I should be eating while trying to get pregnant and beyond. I am so fascinated by nutrition that it was going to be my focus for getting my masters degree...but then the flower thing came along and the rest is history. Oh, by the way, I just ate a huge piece of cake for breakfast. Thank God birthday week is almost over and that cake is almost gone. *sigh* at least I recognize my faults.

apparent anxiety

I feel like we've had a crazy week. First, the cat. I've had trouble eating and sleeping and coping with how the other critters are dealing with the loss. Then, it got worse. On Monday night, I had the shakes, I was cold, dizzy, nauseous, weak. By Tuesday, I couldn't eat at all. Wednesday I went to my doctor. I didn't think I had the flu or any other sickness and was concerned. I told him that I've felt this way before, and after giving him all of my symptoms, he said that I should track my symptoms and see what happens to me the next time I feel this way. He said that it could be connected to a glucose intolerance or even diabetes. Crazy.

Thursday I tried to go to work. Very shortly after I arrived, I got very light-headed and dizzy. I thought I might pass out. My whole head was tingling as if it fell asleep and was just waking up. I decided to get a ride to the hospital and have some blood work done. 

After an evaluation maybe 10 minutes in length, the ER doctor took my blood. When he came back, he said that I am in perfect health, but his first reaction to me was that I was very anxious. We talked about the baby primarily and he told me that it can be a very stressful time in anyone's life. I didn't tell him about anything else going on but it was enough for me to be weepy and he sensed my stress. Then he left, the nurse came back and I was bawling. She hugged me and told me that her daughter is having difficulty with stress as well. She said that last week, her daughter was so stressed that she had a nose bleed for three days. She looked right at me and told me my symptoms were real. 

I felt so much relief leaving the hospital with at least an answer and something to pin my feelings on. Nothing was wrong with me that I couldn't fix. Then, I started thinking about other situations in which I've felt the same way, like the concussion and some ridiculously busy weeks at work in the past several months. On Wednesday, my doctor was a bit baffled when I mentioned to him that I had symptoms for 3 or 4 months following the concussion. 'Did you get knocked out?' he asked. I didn't, and he then said that was a defining line between a severe concussion and a not-so-severe concussion. He seemed confused. My concussion symptoms were just like this whole past week. Everything past a few weeks of headaches, the panic attack; I think I brought all of this on myself. I prolonged it. What the fuck?

Apparently, this is something that I really need to focus on and pay attention to. I've always been an emotionally sensitive person with a very strong facade. I thought that I had a decent way to cope and deal with stress, but I obviously have to work on it. My partner says that I don't talk enough and I don't share my feelings enough with her, and when it comes right down to it, I am stressed out about getting pregnant, being pregnant, having a baby and being a parent and all the ways it's going to change my life. I really want to be able to do everything to my best ability, for myself, for my partner, including continuing to work, and it's a lot to think about. I had no idea that I could be capable of making myself feel the way I have this week. I had no idea that I could be that person. Absolutely crazy. 

The view from here

We're almost to a point where we can smile when we think about Jack. Our other cat, Boomer, has had a few random flash backs where you can tell he's re-living that night...sort of like kitty-deja vou. Our dog, Ali, hurt her back in a big scuff on the stairs that night. She's been gimping around ever since. Finally this morning, she's almost back to normal. Life is almost back to normal, but there will always be the memories.

Today is day 11 in my cycle and we are ready to move forward with our next IUI. We have purchased our new sperm from Midwest SB and he should be landing in Hanover tomorrow. This donor is also handsome and well-educated, just like the others. He has a PhD in molecular biology (wow, and I just play with flowers. And you could say that my partner just 'draws'. Crazy smart.) According to the receptionist I spoke with, he resembles Andre Agassi. Okay, not bad, but I suppose not amazing either, not that I'm very picky at this point! He stood out from the pack in the donor catalogue, but my partner had some doubts. As we read through his long profile (free people, free...love it) we enjoyed all of his responses but noticed he left some blank. One that he left blank was regarding illegal drugs. They had a chart for you to check 'yes' or 'no' on all of the most popular drugs. He checked 'no' on everything except one. POT. I suppose we should be happy that he's not a crack or heroin addict. But my partner, being neurotic, says that since he left it blank, he must smoke pot and therefore has a reduced sperm count so he just wont do. I agree that he's probably a stoner, but according to the same receptionist, he had twins lately, so I'm fine with that. He's obviously relaxed. Bring it on.

My birthday is next week......happy baby to me?

I'm off to renew my driver's licence.

Perspective

Perspective. Life is short; enjoy and embrace every minute you have with all your closest friends, family and pets.

Last night our cat Jack passed away. We knew something was very wrong. It didn't take long. It was maybe only five miniutes of calm panic and that was it. Our awesome cat, who easily could have lived for another 5-10 years was gone.

I say our cat, but he was really her cat. My partner moved here to the northeast about 11 years ago with nothing but a car full of her most important belongings, leaving behind a long-term relationship, challenges with recently comming out, and everything she ever knew to go to grad school and to do something great. Jack was a gift from her landlords/employers and new friends the first Christmas she was here. As a crazy 4-week-old kitten, Jack was just what she needed to get her mind off the past and move forward.

She still to this day says that he was the only thing that stuck by her and got her through the worst of it.

I met Jack when he was 4 years old. Protective and leary, he had no interest in becoming my friend. I've never met an animal who I couldn't win over in a matter of a few minutes. With Jack, it was easily 8 or 10 months of daily visits before he would even let me pet him. But slowly, he warmed up to me, giving me maybe as much attention and affection as he did my partner.

When we decided to move here to New Hampshire, we bought a house. It was a huge step for us. But it was also something she promised to do for him.

Last night happened very fast, and I know that she still hasn't really processed it. We cried, and then she paused and said something sort of profound: Out of all of this, maybe we will create life. I know Jack was just a cat, but he wasn't; Jack was her cheerleader. All of our pets are so wonderful, and I cannot believe the incredible, lasting impression they make on our lives.

Shopping our baby around

We are not cheap people. We are of the school that less is more and quality over quantity. Our home is very sparsely decorated with little to no clutter or knick knacks. Tag sales are something that we don't partake in. We don't do lawn ornaments and have no random collections displayed in china cabinets. The material items we do have are ones that we chose because of their lasting, classic style. We would rather save our money for a few additional months and get the nice, expensive item over the cheaper item; it will surely be worth it in the end.

By the way, we're cheaping out and changing sperm banks. California Cryobank is a rip-off.

After five months of attempts at pregnancy, we figure that we've invested around $5800.00, of which $1500.00 was unnecessarily spent. That is a huge percentage, no? The reason is that with California Cryobank, we've paid a premium for sperm. Now granted, the reason that we chose them in the first place was quality: their website was and definitely is by and far the best and most user-friendly. They offer many additional items for 'free' to help decide on a donor. However, after learning about how every sperm bank is governed by the same group and every specimen must pass the same testing nation-wide, we decided to venture onto other banks websites.

Midwest Sperm Bank's website is lame. The interface looks like it's from the 80's. There are no bells and whistles. They only have about 35 donors total to choose from. There are no donor-composed essays to read or celebrity photos to compare. There is barely enough information to get a basic idea of the person: ethnicity, hair color, eye color, height, weight, level of education, field of study. Done deal. They will offer you a medical history if you ask for one, but I'm thinking it isn't digitally available or it would most likely be on the website already.

The deciding factor? Every specimen is the same price, $350.00, a savings of $235.00 from what we're currently paying. There is no popularity contest amongst donors like on CC's website where supply and demand jack up prices on the super-amazing-perfect donors. And shipping? $125.00 for our location on the map; a savings of $60.00.

Total monthly savings: $295.00. All we're missing out on are cheesy donor descriptions and even cheesier Q&A's about why they wanted to become a donor and what their favorite color is.

Instead, we can take our savings and put it toward baby gear and mommy-to-be work clothes. Shopping never felt so good.