Well here we are, day 8 of my cycle. We decided to once again skip a cycle. My partner and I have come a long way in terms of the urgency to continue back-to-back IUI's. This month's challenge: to take or not to take a summer vacation. In just a few weeks, I will be traveling to Miami for a whole week to attend a seminar. Unfortunately, we can only afford to either do an IUI or have my partner travel with me. I left the decision up to her; I didn't want to influence her priority. After much discussion and a little advice from some friends, we decided a vacation was in order. I'm glad she'll be with me in Miami. A huge reason I'm going is to sit for a test potentially giving me national certification as a floral designer; it's a big deal for my career and it will be wonderful to have my rock with me.
This will be our third month in a row off from baby-making. I don't know what it is, but I've had a few noteworthy experiences with men and babies during this time. You might remember a few months ago my pal from CVS; a young, hopeful father who was emotionally struggling with his own infertility challenges with his wife. I could tell how badly he wanted pregnancy to happen for them (and sense his nervousness and helplessness), but could also see that they had real infertility challenges to overcome.
Then, there is one of my co-workers. He is a new father; their baby was born just a couple months ago. Throughout their entire pregnancy, he was excited and totally amped up. And now that their little girl is here, he beams with pride. The other day he brought her to work to have lunch with his mother-in-law. I ran into him outside. It was another beautiful, amazing day in the north country with just perfect weather. The group of girls I was with asked him 'So how are you liking it so far?' I don't think anyone could have smacked the smile off his face. My face hurt just looking at his flexed cheeks. He just loves every minute of it.
And lastly, there is my mechanic. I drive a lot, about 150 miles a day, so I get my oil changed about once every 6 weeks. He works at a large dealership and does other side jobs after hours. A couple oil changes ago, he mentioned to me that they we expecting their second child. Ever since that weeknight after work, our oil changes are sort of like joint pregnancy therapy sessions. He is truly a guys sort of guy, but I know that he is stressed out about having another baby. How to pay for everything, how to start all over with an infant, the stress it can put on a relationship, how to learn again to identify the needs of a baby and if there's something wrong....they can't just tell you how they feel!! I know he's a great father for their daughter, but who would have thought that he carried so much stress about having another?
It all makes me think about that day a few months ago that I sat in my PCP's office crying over my own pregnancy stresses. She said something that has stuck with me. 'It's amazing how people, whether men or women, gay or straight, cope with pregnancy and babies in general.' Babies are at the root of our very being. We strive to reproduce. It is viewed as an achievement in life. Everyone has their concerns, but I agree, what's really interesting is how certain concerns match up with certain genders and sexual preferences. Women have different stresses than men. Gay women have different stresses than straight women. But, gay couples still have the same concerns as straight couples, we just cope with them differently. Even though we're lesbians, one of us (or both in some cases) share these somewhat male emotions of feeling helpless and disconnected in the fertility process, beaming with pride at the thought of a baby, or feeling worried about providing for and developing a small life. Simply put, babies screw with everyone's mental state equally; there is no discrimination or minority here.
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Monday, June 4, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
My glass is half full of gin and tonic.
Optimism is something that several of you have commented on recently. You say, 'Gee, you're so optimistic through all of this, even though you're having challenges.' Well, let me be the first to tell you that is a load of crap and there aren't any daisies growing out of it.
In our relationship I am always the one to be positive for the long-haul. My partner is a little impatient....(those of you who know her, breathe, stop laughing so hard, you might hurt yourself). It's not that she is insensitive or thoughtless of my feelings or others, on the contrary (just the other day, she got out of her car on a busy street, ran over to the local police department and asked some poor cop to come out and direct traffic so that a duck family could cross the road). It's just that we both assumed that we would be pregnant by now and it's starting to take a toll on us (and she is usually the first to express it...and often). For the record, I have all of these same, negative feelings, but my process for dealing with them isn't so immediate. I rein them in at the moment, suppress them, dwell on them, and then add them to my fire for later use.
We live in a fairly middle class neighborhood that is only steps from the hood ('hood' is a relative term in central NH I get it, but it's the only hood we have). It is hard to watch half-naked teenage girls smoking cigarettes, walking their babies down the street with their skinny-ass, drug-dealing boyfriends in tow. Having a baby was clearly easy for them. What can I say? They don't know any different; their mother probably had them when she was 15 too. We live in the northeast; it's not like the bible belt and there's a shortage of birth control or condoms. I too was a teenager once, and I'm not perfect. I started smoking when I was 17 and it was awesome. I had dreams of running away with my queer little band geek friends somewhere where my mother couldn't tell me that I can't be gay because I'd never make it financially without a man (why the fuck didn't we for real do this? LOL). I am stereotyping and assuming the aspirations of these hopefully/somewhat/a little/barely driven adolescents in my town, but even if you are a Fertile Myrtle, don't act like you've never had these thoughts when walking through the Walmart in your white hood.
Instead of sharing these or any other depressing, negative thoughts with all of you on a regular basis, I choose to be optimistic, informative for those who may not be as far along in the process are we are, and hopefully a little humorous. Ultimately, I'd rather be drinking gin and tonic and not pregnant than smoking and banging some shithead little boy. Gross.
I very much appreciate all of your positive comments. Just know that there is a normal, judgemental, selfish person somewhere beneath all of this optimism.
Eventually we'll have a baby, my love. I just know it.
In our relationship I am always the one to be positive for the long-haul. My partner is a little impatient....(those of you who know her, breathe, stop laughing so hard, you might hurt yourself). It's not that she is insensitive or thoughtless of my feelings or others, on the contrary (just the other day, she got out of her car on a busy street, ran over to the local police department and asked some poor cop to come out and direct traffic so that a duck family could cross the road). It's just that we both assumed that we would be pregnant by now and it's starting to take a toll on us (and she is usually the first to express it...and often). For the record, I have all of these same, negative feelings, but my process for dealing with them isn't so immediate. I rein them in at the moment, suppress them, dwell on them, and then add them to my fire for later use.
We live in a fairly middle class neighborhood that is only steps from the hood ('hood' is a relative term in central NH I get it, but it's the only hood we have). It is hard to watch half-naked teenage girls smoking cigarettes, walking their babies down the street with their skinny-ass, drug-dealing boyfriends in tow. Having a baby was clearly easy for them. What can I say? They don't know any different; their mother probably had them when she was 15 too. We live in the northeast; it's not like the bible belt and there's a shortage of birth control or condoms. I too was a teenager once, and I'm not perfect. I started smoking when I was 17 and it was awesome. I had dreams of running away with my queer little band geek friends somewhere where my mother couldn't tell me that I can't be gay because I'd never make it financially without a man (why the fuck didn't we for real do this? LOL). I am stereotyping and assuming the aspirations of these hopefully/somewhat/a little/barely driven adolescents in my town, but even if you are a Fertile Myrtle, don't act like you've never had these thoughts when walking through the Walmart in your white hood.
Instead of sharing these or any other depressing, negative thoughts with all of you on a regular basis, I choose to be optimistic, informative for those who may not be as far along in the process are we are, and hopefully a little humorous. Ultimately, I'd rather be drinking gin and tonic and not pregnant than smoking and banging some shithead little boy. Gross.
I very much appreciate all of your positive comments. Just know that there is a normal, judgemental, selfish person somewhere beneath all of this optimism.
Eventually we'll have a baby, my love. I just know it.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Hey, it's me. Sorry.
I don't even know where I left off, and no, I didn't go back and read my previous post from weeks ago. So, that said, I'll just give you the current run-down.
After IUI #10, we more seriously considered IVF and decided that it just wasn't in our financial future. That was March I think. In April, we decided to take a month off so that our checking account could recover from the winter's many oil bills and birthday-month Jeep repairs and registration (happy birthday to us, state of NH DOT). Now it's May and I will start my period in about two weeks. Let the baby-making re-commence.
I haven't used our beautiful MacBook Pro in a few days. Last night I said to my partner, 'I noticed that you got red wine all over everything...it's on the coffee table and on the floor all the way into the kitchen.' She replied, 'well, that's because I dumped an entire glass of red wine on the computer.'
Deep breath in, exhale out.
'Really.'
'Yeah, and now the keyboard is fucked up and the back-lighting doesn't work.'
'Great.'
Now I think I'm on my way to a Mac Store's fix-it bar thingy since I am literally pounding the keys to get them to work...and the mouse pad really isn't doing anything.
See you in a couple weeks....
After IUI #10, we more seriously considered IVF and decided that it just wasn't in our financial future. That was March I think. In April, we decided to take a month off so that our checking account could recover from the winter's many oil bills and birthday-month Jeep repairs and registration (happy birthday to us, state of NH DOT). Now it's May and I will start my period in about two weeks. Let the baby-making re-commence.
I haven't used our beautiful MacBook Pro in a few days. Last night I said to my partner, 'I noticed that you got red wine all over everything...it's on the coffee table and on the floor all the way into the kitchen.' She replied, 'well, that's because I dumped an entire glass of red wine on the computer.'
Deep breath in, exhale out.
'Really.'
'Yeah, and now the keyboard is fucked up and the back-lighting doesn't work.'
'Great.'
Now I think I'm on my way to a Mac Store's fix-it bar thingy since I am literally pounding the keys to get them to work...and the mouse pad really isn't doing anything.
See you in a couple weeks....
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sonohysterosalpingogram....why are these tests so freakin' hard to say?
We went in for our SSG last week. This is a test where a balloon in inserted into the uterus with a catheter. Then they fill the balloon with air and saline so the full outline of the uterus is visible via ultrasound. I really do have a challenging situation down there for these doctors and nurses. None of them can easily get through my cervix. It takes forever with lots of painful prodding and poking and 'clamping' (which I just would rather not think about). Just about as our doctor was ready to give up, it worked. The picture was so cool to see (just like it was from when we had the HSG). I do in fact have two small polyps right next to each other. One is 4mm and the other is 5mm. Relatively speaking, these are very small polyps.
Following my probing, we spoke with our doctor in her office. She has left the decision for removal up to us as there really isn't much research dealing with the success rate of pregnancy following removal of polyps that are so small. She said that most would consider removal only if they were 1 or 1.5 centimeters or larger. I asked her about how we would go about removing them. Prior to my appointment, she had said that it could happen either in the office or in the OR. After her challenging experience trying to get in my hoo haa just now, she said she would do it under full anesthesia in the OR so that all the possible tools needed would be accessible. She did recommend that if we are going to move forward with IVF that we would want to remove them in order to create the best possible scenario for pregnancy.
I am thinking that I'm all set with full anesthesia in the OR for tiny polyps that may not really be affecting anything, and my partner is totally behind that as well. And I don't think we're going to move forward with IVF. Our insurance does not cover any part of it. I did speak with the financial advisor at Dartmouth Hitchcock and she did prepare me by telling me to sit down. The procedure is $7500 and the drugs could be an additional $5 or $6000. Wholly shit fuck. For only a 50% chance of success, we've decided that we'll pass for now.
After saying this to our doctor, she asked us what our plan is for moving forward if we're not going to do IVF. We have been thinking about this a lot lately. A couple weeks ago, my mentality was that I could only handle two or three more IUI's before I would be completely tapped emotionally. Today, I think we could go on like this for a while more. Who's to say that there aren't lots of women who have small polyps and have had kids successfully (since there isn't much research...)? Obviously, there has to be an end to IUI's at some point (hopefully because I'm pregnant, duh). If that point comes we would consider adoption. For now, I am focusing on the positive. It's time to stop thinking like someone who is a part of an 'infertility department' at a 'hospital' and start thinking like a 'normal' lesbian :-) hehe...
Following my probing, we spoke with our doctor in her office. She has left the decision for removal up to us as there really isn't much research dealing with the success rate of pregnancy following removal of polyps that are so small. She said that most would consider removal only if they were 1 or 1.5 centimeters or larger. I asked her about how we would go about removing them. Prior to my appointment, she had said that it could happen either in the office or in the OR. After her challenging experience trying to get in my hoo haa just now, she said she would do it under full anesthesia in the OR so that all the possible tools needed would be accessible. She did recommend that if we are going to move forward with IVF that we would want to remove them in order to create the best possible scenario for pregnancy.
I am thinking that I'm all set with full anesthesia in the OR for tiny polyps that may not really be affecting anything, and my partner is totally behind that as well. And I don't think we're going to move forward with IVF. Our insurance does not cover any part of it. I did speak with the financial advisor at Dartmouth Hitchcock and she did prepare me by telling me to sit down. The procedure is $7500 and the drugs could be an additional $5 or $6000. Wholly shit fuck. For only a 50% chance of success, we've decided that we'll pass for now.
After saying this to our doctor, she asked us what our plan is for moving forward if we're not going to do IVF. We have been thinking about this a lot lately. A couple weeks ago, my mentality was that I could only handle two or three more IUI's before I would be completely tapped emotionally. Today, I think we could go on like this for a while more. Who's to say that there aren't lots of women who have small polyps and have had kids successfully (since there isn't much research...)? Obviously, there has to be an end to IUI's at some point (hopefully because I'm pregnant, duh). If that point comes we would consider adoption. For now, I am focusing on the positive. It's time to stop thinking like someone who is a part of an 'infertility department' at a 'hospital' and start thinking like a 'normal' lesbian :-) hehe...
Monday, April 2, 2012
The Fertility Mug is Broken
A few months ago my partner and I went back home to western MA to celebrate our friend's surprise birthday. We had made plans with her partner to stay at their house that night so we didn't have to get a hotel room. It was so much fun to surprise her!
Later that night, we went back to their house to get settled in. There was one more present to open: a coffee mug for the birthday girl. This was no ordinary mug. The birthday girl has asked for a new, hand-made mug from her favorite potter. When she opened it up, I mentioned how much I liked it as well. And then my guest bedroom was calling....I have such a low tolerance for booze now that I barely drink anything at all....
The next morning as we were getting ready to go, both of our hosts approached me with a box. I knew the mug was in it. After asking why they were giving it to me, they said 'it can be your fertility mug,' and the name sort of stuck.
No matter how I've tried to think positive this week, as I tinkled on the stick and saw the results of IUI #10, I knew the outcome would be negative. I've had cramps for days now. I found my phone and sent a text to the WMA girls. 'The fertility mug is broken.' But just as quickly as that text was sent, they replied with their super-supportive attitudes and comments. I wish so much (for both of our sakes) that we were physically closer to some of our friends back home. It's hard sometimes when we only have each other here. We are definitely due for a visit.
We now are going to do some additional testing to measure the size of the polyps and determine if they are in fact big enough to be hindering implantation. Once we have that information, we'll decide if we're going to remove them.
I think we'll remove them anyway. It seems to be the only logical thing that is keeping me from getting pregnant at this point.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Loser sperm: balls over brains
We decided to change sperm donors for our most recent attempt. This will be our 4th donor I think?? Lost count I guess. Well, let's go back, donor #1 was a chiropractor from California Cryobank, donor #2 was a rocket scientist (literally) also CC, donor #3 was the molecular biologist from Midwest Sperm Bank, and yes, donor #4 is also from Midwest.
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is really not the same.
We'd been talking about changing donors for days. Finally, we were sitting on the couch watching TV at like 9:30 at night and she's like, 'hey, I thought we were going to change donors this time?'
'Yeah, get on the website and pick one.'
Literally two minutes later, 'okay buy this one.'
This was very quick for my partner, who is the one obsessed with the donor selection. When I asked what his deal was, she said, 'I think he's a loser. Maybe he has viable sperm.'
Donor #4 is officially our first non-advanced degree, science or math professional. I think he has a high school education and likes skateboarding. He might have red hair. Maybe he smokes a little weed. Not a lot of weed, that would be bad for sperm count. He's just relaxed and has no responsibilities! He sounds refreshing! Hopefully he's a little smart, somewhere, deep down inside. But hey, if I gave birth to the next Tony Hawk or Shawn White, that would be awesome too. I guess it's fine if the kid doesn't go to MIT on a scholarship.
'Okay, perfect.'
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is really not the same.
We'd been talking about changing donors for days. Finally, we were sitting on the couch watching TV at like 9:30 at night and she's like, 'hey, I thought we were going to change donors this time?'
'Yeah, get on the website and pick one.'
Literally two minutes later, 'okay buy this one.'
This was very quick for my partner, who is the one obsessed with the donor selection. When I asked what his deal was, she said, 'I think he's a loser. Maybe he has viable sperm.'
Donor #4 is officially our first non-advanced degree, science or math professional. I think he has a high school education and likes skateboarding. He might have red hair. Maybe he smokes a little weed. Not a lot of weed, that would be bad for sperm count. He's just relaxed and has no responsibilities! He sounds refreshing! Hopefully he's a little smart, somewhere, deep down inside. But hey, if I gave birth to the next Tony Hawk or Shawn White, that would be awesome too. I guess it's fine if the kid doesn't go to MIT on a scholarship.
'Okay, perfect.'
Sunday, March 18, 2012
super sound...ultra un-sound
I am in love with March so far. I can't get over the weather. It is so freakin' nice! Today we were cruising around with the top down on the grape ape (she's our jeep wrangler, duh...we are a couple lesbians after all. You didn't think it was our camero did you?) soaking up the sun. We raked our yard, which is now currently the earliest we've ever been able to! I am feeling mentally well, emotionally fit, and physically happy. I am feeling sound for the first time in months.
Except for our ultrasound last Friday.
For the second time, we went in for an ultrasound to hunt down my little follicle eggies and see when I should trigger my ovulation with the Ovidrel injection. I wasn't really paying attention this time, sort of just chatting with the nurse while she quite literally 'probed' me with her probe. She mentioned some test, had I done it? I said no, I hadn't. The conversation continued.
Later that day when I got a voicemail from my doctor (not my nurse, red flag), I realized that the ultrasound lady saw something that morning (hence the reason she asked me about that test). The doctor said that there is a large cyst in my ovary that she was unsure of. Was it a follicle and not a cyst? Hard to tell. She sent me to get blood work to determine if it was in fact a huge ass egg. She also said there were two small polyps. All of this caught me off guard at the time. I don't really know much about either cysts or polyps. She said that we shouldn't hold off on our impending IUI, but that we should come in and discuss this with her. So, off I went to get stabbed again. Hard to believe I have any blood left at this point!
Blood work came back negative. Not an egg. The doctor had me wait until last night to do the Ovidrel. I am almost a pro now that I've injected myself twice. I joke and say that I could be a heroin addict now that I know how to do self-injections. My partner says I can't; we're too poor from all this non-baby-making to be doing heroin.
IUI #10 is tomorrow morning. As I sit here on the patio, enjoying the weather and catching a buzz off a single, fine, twisted tea, I think I'll be okay without the heroin.
Except for our ultrasound last Friday.
For the second time, we went in for an ultrasound to hunt down my little follicle eggies and see when I should trigger my ovulation with the Ovidrel injection. I wasn't really paying attention this time, sort of just chatting with the nurse while she quite literally 'probed' me with her probe. She mentioned some test, had I done it? I said no, I hadn't. The conversation continued.
Later that day when I got a voicemail from my doctor (not my nurse, red flag), I realized that the ultrasound lady saw something that morning (hence the reason she asked me about that test). The doctor said that there is a large cyst in my ovary that she was unsure of. Was it a follicle and not a cyst? Hard to tell. She sent me to get blood work to determine if it was in fact a huge ass egg. She also said there were two small polyps. All of this caught me off guard at the time. I don't really know much about either cysts or polyps. She said that we shouldn't hold off on our impending IUI, but that we should come in and discuss this with her. So, off I went to get stabbed again. Hard to believe I have any blood left at this point!
Blood work came back negative. Not an egg. The doctor had me wait until last night to do the Ovidrel. I am almost a pro now that I've injected myself twice. I joke and say that I could be a heroin addict now that I know how to do self-injections. My partner says I can't; we're too poor from all this non-baby-making to be doing heroin.
IUI #10 is tomorrow morning. As I sit here on the patio, enjoying the weather and catching a buzz off a single, fine, twisted tea, I think I'll be okay without the heroin.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Hard Days Night
Up until this point, I feel like I've been fairly optimistic about this whole process. Even though I get discouraged at times, I always jump back to being positive. The other day as I left work and headed to CVS to pick up my letrozole and ovidrel once again, something changed; my chest ached. I was disappointed, mad, frustrated. Why hasn't this worked? I was discouraged. Here we go again.
Wait, am I going to turn into that blogger? Crap.
Wait, am I going to turn into that blogger? Crap.
We've been to 9 unsuccessful IUI's to date, but we've been officially at it for one year this month. We took two months off during the concussion phase, and then another month off when we switched doctors and did the HSG. I think it's really hitting home this month since it's been a year of it now.
My therapist says that I should embody the new spring season and be aware of all the reproduction and births happening around me in nature. It's hard to do that when most of my outdoor time is spent speeding by nature on the highway; an hour and twenty minutes each way on a good day. I've been trying to look out my windshield and observe the trees...are they budding yet? But, it's getting dark by this point, and it seems to be distracting me from staying in my lane more than anything at this point.
As I pulled into the parking lot and went inside, I saw the same young guy behind the counter as always. He must always work the closing shift. He asked my name and got my prescriptions. As he put them down on the counter, he empathetically said 'still no luck?'
I paused, sort of questioning the fact that he was asking me such a personal question about the prescriptions I was picking up. Isn't that breaking some patient confidentiality law thingy?
'No, not yet.'
'My wife and I are trying to get pregnant too. She's taking Clomid, but I think we're going to do the trigger injections soon.' Now I understood.
'And how does she like the Clomid?'
'She hates it, horrible.'
'The letrozole is way better, no side effects at all. You guys should try it. How long have you been trying to get pregnant?'
'Six months. She just doesn't ovulate.' His face visibly sank. 'It's so hard.'
I agreed. He finished cashing me out (I was also picking up some very vogue nail polish I saw in some bridal magazine) and I said as cheerfully as possible, 'I hope I don't see you next month!' I wished him luck and went on my way.
He sort of changed my day with that short conversation. Here was this young man...I can only assume his wife is young as well...who saw me, a young woman, and just couldn't resist but to talk to somebody who would understand. I am so glad he broke whatever rules he broke. I don't even know his name, but I will be sure to stop in next month regardless and see how it's going.
My therapist says that I should embody the new spring season and be aware of all the reproduction and births happening around me in nature. It's hard to do that when most of my outdoor time is spent speeding by nature on the highway; an hour and twenty minutes each way on a good day. I've been trying to look out my windshield and observe the trees...are they budding yet? But, it's getting dark by this point, and it seems to be distracting me from staying in my lane more than anything at this point.
As I pulled into the parking lot and went inside, I saw the same young guy behind the counter as always. He must always work the closing shift. He asked my name and got my prescriptions. As he put them down on the counter, he empathetically said 'still no luck?'
I paused, sort of questioning the fact that he was asking me such a personal question about the prescriptions I was picking up. Isn't that breaking some patient confidentiality law thingy?
'No, not yet.'
'My wife and I are trying to get pregnant too. She's taking Clomid, but I think we're going to do the trigger injections soon.' Now I understood.
'And how does she like the Clomid?'
'She hates it, horrible.'
'The letrozole is way better, no side effects at all. You guys should try it. How long have you been trying to get pregnant?'
'Six months. She just doesn't ovulate.' His face visibly sank. 'It's so hard.'
I agreed. He finished cashing me out (I was also picking up some very vogue nail polish I saw in some bridal magazine) and I said as cheerfully as possible, 'I hope I don't see you next month!' I wished him luck and went on my way.
He sort of changed my day with that short conversation. Here was this young man...I can only assume his wife is young as well...who saw me, a young woman, and just couldn't resist but to talk to somebody who would understand. I am so glad he broke whatever rules he broke. I don't even know his name, but I will be sure to stop in next month regardless and see how it's going.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Lesbians at the Ladies Luncheon
We tested on Saturday....not pregnant. Just before we tested, my partner was very tense. She would much rather that I don't tinkle on the stick and just wait for my period to either start or not. I was excited to test. How could I possibly wait any longer to know the outcome of our patience. One way or another I would be happy; either with baby in belly or with cocktail in hand.
It takes forever for that stupid flashing hour glass to change to words. We sat silently and waited. When 'not' showed up in front of 'pregnant', my heart sank and I went from optimistic to sad and frustrated pretty quick. My partner, on the other hand, switched from pessimistic to optimistic, lecturing me about how we'll get 'em next time, and it will happen when it happens. She even went as far as to say that if it never happened, it would be okay. The miniature martini that she made for me sat mostly full and was mostly dumped out at the end of the night. I did, however, enjoy the gin-soaked olives.
This emotional transition is typical. I am always smiling going into the bathroom, while my partner is freaking out. And then, we switch. I tried to explain to her that I would much rather she embrace her current emotion and be pissed off instead of going into 'we'll get 'em next time' mode. She thinks that she's protecting and supporting me by basically hiding her real emotions. When I finally get her to knock it off, she lets it rip. Frustration, anger, sadness. We agree on our emotions, finally.
Sunday we woke up to our typical routine of CBS news programing. Around noon, we finally decided that we should get ready to go to our neighborhood ladies gathering. After all, we were supposed to be bringing something, and that something had yet to be created.
As lesbians, being invited to a neighborhood ladies gathering is somewhat odd. Our neighbors across the street came over one day and handed us the invite. At that moment, I knew we had to go. We envisioned a group of red hat society women sitting around a lace-clad table with ornate china tea cups, and I had to know if this was the case.
Now it was about a quarter til the party was supposed to start. Still no snack to bring. Being the Betty Crocker lesbians we are, we decided to go to the store and get a block of cheese and a box of crackers.
I am so glad we went! It was not a group of ancient women. We met some really great people that live just a short walk away. One of them has a husband who is an adoption lawyer, which will come in handy since our original lawyer refuses to return my phone calls. I can see that this summer, we'll have fun hanging out with several of them.
Today, I'm back to being optimistic about our next round. But I haven't even started my period yet.
It takes forever for that stupid flashing hour glass to change to words. We sat silently and waited. When 'not' showed up in front of 'pregnant', my heart sank and I went from optimistic to sad and frustrated pretty quick. My partner, on the other hand, switched from pessimistic to optimistic, lecturing me about how we'll get 'em next time, and it will happen when it happens. She even went as far as to say that if it never happened, it would be okay. The miniature martini that she made for me sat mostly full and was mostly dumped out at the end of the night. I did, however, enjoy the gin-soaked olives.
This emotional transition is typical. I am always smiling going into the bathroom, while my partner is freaking out. And then, we switch. I tried to explain to her that I would much rather she embrace her current emotion and be pissed off instead of going into 'we'll get 'em next time' mode. She thinks that she's protecting and supporting me by basically hiding her real emotions. When I finally get her to knock it off, she lets it rip. Frustration, anger, sadness. We agree on our emotions, finally.
Sunday we woke up to our typical routine of CBS news programing. Around noon, we finally decided that we should get ready to go to our neighborhood ladies gathering. After all, we were supposed to be bringing something, and that something had yet to be created.
As lesbians, being invited to a neighborhood ladies gathering is somewhat odd. Our neighbors across the street came over one day and handed us the invite. At that moment, I knew we had to go. We envisioned a group of red hat society women sitting around a lace-clad table with ornate china tea cups, and I had to know if this was the case.
Now it was about a quarter til the party was supposed to start. Still no snack to bring. Being the Betty Crocker lesbians we are, we decided to go to the store and get a block of cheese and a box of crackers.
I am so glad we went! It was not a group of ancient women. We met some really great people that live just a short walk away. One of them has a husband who is an adoption lawyer, which will come in handy since our original lawyer refuses to return my phone calls. I can see that this summer, we'll have fun hanging out with several of them.
Today, I'm back to being optimistic about our next round. But I haven't even started my period yet.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Shrunk down to size
Today is the day that my partner has been waiting for; the day I go to a psychologist and get all my emotional crap out on the table. It's going to be one of those days I think....following my appointment, I'm going for a pap smear. Great. More probing.
Originally, I was going to go for some counseling after Jack died. That was the frosting on my delicate cake (baby-making stress, concussion stress, work stress...). At the time, I chose not to talk about it here on my blog. I made the appointment and was rarin' to go, but had to cancel it (that was a couple months ago, the day we went in for the HSG). And now, I've finally decided that in fact I should reschedule the appointment and go. Life has caught up with me, and I need a little guidance.
My partner is very supportive. She truly is my rock. But she has trouble herself coping if I start to get a little panicked or worrisome. She has encouraged me to go and see a professional, even if I'm a little hesitant.
I have never thought that I would be that person who needs counseling. It's not how I was raised, it's not what I witnessed in any of my friends or their families. But what I've come to realize is that it doesn't make me a weaker person; it makes me real. No one talks about their struggles and getting help because everyone thinks that no one else can empathize with their situation. No one else has been there and everyone will judge you. It's a huge reason why I started this blog; there are many people who have been there, and we should share our experiences instead of hiding them. No one is going to put a giant red letter on me or anyone I care about no matter their experience.
Now, if only I had the balls to tell my mother I was going to a shrink.
Originally, I was going to go for some counseling after Jack died. That was the frosting on my delicate cake (baby-making stress, concussion stress, work stress...). At the time, I chose not to talk about it here on my blog. I made the appointment and was rarin' to go, but had to cancel it (that was a couple months ago, the day we went in for the HSG). And now, I've finally decided that in fact I should reschedule the appointment and go. Life has caught up with me, and I need a little guidance.
My partner is very supportive. She truly is my rock. But she has trouble herself coping if I start to get a little panicked or worrisome. She has encouraged me to go and see a professional, even if I'm a little hesitant.
I have never thought that I would be that person who needs counseling. It's not how I was raised, it's not what I witnessed in any of my friends or their families. But what I've come to realize is that it doesn't make me a weaker person; it makes me real. No one talks about their struggles and getting help because everyone thinks that no one else can empathize with their situation. No one else has been there and everyone will judge you. It's a huge reason why I started this blog; there are many people who have been there, and we should share our experiences instead of hiding them. No one is going to put a giant red letter on me or anyone I care about no matter their experience.
Now, if only I had the balls to tell my mother I was going to a shrink.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I Love Letrozole :-)
Let's see.....time to catch up.
The TTW was annoying as usual. I am not pregnant. Valentine's Day nearly killed me at work and I have now enjoyed three days off in a row to recouperate.
Yesterday we went to the aquarium with all the thousands of other's on Mass school vacation. So many kids to chuckle about in awe of the creatures on display. And then we had a killer dinner at Island Creek Oyster Bar over by BU/Fenway/Kenmore. Super-highly recommended! Today, we're going to a wine tasting, delish! Okay, now for the better baby stuff.
We met with our doctor just before my period started to come up with a game plan if I was in fact not pregnant (you know, since we're just so freakin pro-active and all, but I'm glad we did). This cycle, we decided to use Letrozole instead of Clomid (no more Clomid ever). It's the same deal essentially; take your dose over 5 days time prior to ovulation. The Letrozole and Clomid work differently in the brain and block different transmitters. The major difference for me: zero side effects. Litterally zero. *sigh* Awesome.
We also discussed using an ovulation 'trigger' Ovidrel injection. The injection is done in your stomach, and about 36 hours later, you go in for your IUI. Essentially, this let's the doctor time my ovulation as closely as possible to my IUI. Very exciting, well, except for the self-injecting part. This will be our track for the next 4 cycles....but this is the one, so we won't be needing the other 3.
So my nurse called in the prescriptions to CVS (like always). I got a message from CVS a few days later saying that my prescription was delayed. I called to see what that meant, and the lady on the phone said, 'Oh, it's because we wanted to let you know that one of the prescriptions is not covered by your insurance and costs $129.00.' More freakin money. She suggested that I call around to other pharmacies and see if I can get a better deal somewhere else. I am so glad I did because it really opened up my eyes to the fact that no two pharmacies prices are equal. The most expensive place (which was Walmart people) wanted $156.00 and the cheapest place (Walgreens) had a 'members club' that you could join and save money on prescriptions. For only $85.00, I got my Letrozole. Walgreens did not carry the Ovidrel injection that I needed so I went back to CVS to get it....only to discover that I had my prescriptions reversed in my brain and that the Ovidrel was the expensive one not covered by my insurance, not the Letrozole. FML!! I blame my mix-up on Valentine's Day Brain. Another $129.00.
Everything is getting more expensive. Midwest raised their IUI-ready specimen price to $525 including shipping and Dartmouth raised their IUI price to $407. Happy New Year, right?!
Ooohh Oooohh....and we went for an ultrasound to look at my little folicle eggies. It was really cool to see on the screen. They measured my eggs so that they could decide when they would be ripe enough to ovulate and then tell me when to take the injection.
Yesterday was day 12, and I gave myself the injection at 9:15pm. Our IUI is Monday at 10am :-)
The TTW was annoying as usual. I am not pregnant. Valentine's Day nearly killed me at work and I have now enjoyed three days off in a row to recouperate.
Yesterday we went to the aquarium with all the thousands of other's on Mass school vacation. So many kids to chuckle about in awe of the creatures on display. And then we had a killer dinner at Island Creek Oyster Bar over by BU/Fenway/Kenmore. Super-highly recommended! Today, we're going to a wine tasting, delish! Okay, now for the better baby stuff.
We met with our doctor just before my period started to come up with a game plan if I was in fact not pregnant (you know, since we're just so freakin pro-active and all, but I'm glad we did). This cycle, we decided to use Letrozole instead of Clomid (no more Clomid ever). It's the same deal essentially; take your dose over 5 days time prior to ovulation. The Letrozole and Clomid work differently in the brain and block different transmitters. The major difference for me: zero side effects. Litterally zero. *sigh* Awesome.
We also discussed using an ovulation 'trigger' Ovidrel injection. The injection is done in your stomach, and about 36 hours later, you go in for your IUI. Essentially, this let's the doctor time my ovulation as closely as possible to my IUI. Very exciting, well, except for the self-injecting part. This will be our track for the next 4 cycles....but this is the one, so we won't be needing the other 3.
So my nurse called in the prescriptions to CVS (like always). I got a message from CVS a few days later saying that my prescription was delayed. I called to see what that meant, and the lady on the phone said, 'Oh, it's because we wanted to let you know that one of the prescriptions is not covered by your insurance and costs $129.00.' More freakin money. She suggested that I call around to other pharmacies and see if I can get a better deal somewhere else. I am so glad I did because it really opened up my eyes to the fact that no two pharmacies prices are equal. The most expensive place (which was Walmart people) wanted $156.00 and the cheapest place (Walgreens) had a 'members club' that you could join and save money on prescriptions. For only $85.00, I got my Letrozole. Walgreens did not carry the Ovidrel injection that I needed so I went back to CVS to get it....only to discover that I had my prescriptions reversed in my brain and that the Ovidrel was the expensive one not covered by my insurance, not the Letrozole. FML!! I blame my mix-up on Valentine's Day Brain. Another $129.00.
Everything is getting more expensive. Midwest raised their IUI-ready specimen price to $525 including shipping and Dartmouth raised their IUI price to $407. Happy New Year, right?!
Ooohh Oooohh....and we went for an ultrasound to look at my little folicle eggies. It was really cool to see on the screen. They measured my eggs so that they could decide when they would be ripe enough to ovulate and then tell me when to take the injection.
Yesterday was day 12, and I gave myself the injection at 9:15pm. Our IUI is Monday at 10am :-)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Love, Romance and the IUI, 8th edition.
Yesterday was IUI #8...and it only took me, my partner, and an army of nurses to make the magic happen.
You all know how much I love Clomid and can't wait to take more drugs, but what I didn't know was that by taking clomid and stimulating my ovaries, they were swelling up and pushing against my uterus making it harder for the nurses to insert the catheter up in there. Another reason to love clomid. Thirty minutes later with three nurses, speculum in, speculum out, fishing around up in there later, changing positions and pushing here, no try there, I am hopefully baking us a baby.
Nurse #1 was the same lady who did IUI #7. She adamantly tried her favorite catheter first, then her second favorite, and then her third favorite, the mac daddy catheter known as 'the rocket' (shouldn't anything known as 'the rocket' be the first choice???).
Nurse #2 was a newbe and mostly just stood back and observed and made weird comments like 'they should use the back seat of a car as the table since that's where couples always had the most success getting pregant in the 50's' and 'you know you can wear socks if your feet are cold' and 'when you come back next time, wear socks.' My parter was like 'next time? There won't be a next time, right!?' 'Oh,' nurse #2 says, 'you're not planning on having another [child]?" Weird...she didn't pay attention in that class apparantly.
'How ya doin', babe?'
'Fine.'
Nurse #3 had never helped us before, but I've spoken with her on the phone, so we were sort of familiar. She came in all confident, claiming that 'the rocket' is her go-to catheter. Rocket in hand, she fished and fished and finally, when she was just about to give up and go get a doctor, it worked. Now lay still for 10 minutes, think happy thoughts, and stare up at the florescent light with flowers and blue sky painted over it. Turn head, look at partner, and say 'get your butt over here and kiss me at least, will ya?' I love her so much.
Monday, January 16, 2012
My buddy Clomid and me
Oh my GOD. What is the deal with hormones? Why do we have them again (yes, I know why, but really)? I cannot wait for this to be over.
Today is day 4 of clomid. The first three days were worse than previous clomid cycles. I've been getting hot flashes, headaches, dizzy spells, vertigo, slightly blurred vision, a little nausea. Sounds pleasant, right?! How badly do I want that baby again?! Oh and to top it all off, I'm out of town buying for work.
It's a holiday, which means my nurse hasn't called me back. Her voicemail has a pager number to send a page to, but I don't know what that means...(hehe) so I think I'll google it. Pagers, that's so 20 years ago.
If you're out there, nurse, what I want to say to you is 'do I really have to take this for another day? I have to fly tomorrow.' Considering the vertigo that I had today, flying sounds horrendous and highly unpleasant as well for the poor sucker sitting next to me. After doing some of my own research, I discovered that all of these symptoms are common, but yet not. Only up to 10% of women have any or all of these symptoms.
Hold up, phone just rang and it was my fav nurse. She said I shouldn't take any more clomid and that vertigo/vision changes are not a good side effect....thank god. Also noteworthy, she said I should only do 3 clomid cycles before stopping, as I ovulate normally without clomid (apparantly there are risks after the 3-cycle point). No more clomid ever :-)
Another office visit is in our future I think.
Today is day 4 of clomid. The first three days were worse than previous clomid cycles. I've been getting hot flashes, headaches, dizzy spells, vertigo, slightly blurred vision, a little nausea. Sounds pleasant, right?! How badly do I want that baby again?! Oh and to top it all off, I'm out of town buying for work.
It's a holiday, which means my nurse hasn't called me back. Her voicemail has a pager number to send a page to, but I don't know what that means...(hehe) so I think I'll google it. Pagers, that's so 20 years ago.
If you're out there, nurse, what I want to say to you is 'do I really have to take this for another day? I have to fly tomorrow.' Considering the vertigo that I had today, flying sounds horrendous and highly unpleasant as well for the poor sucker sitting next to me. After doing some of my own research, I discovered that all of these symptoms are common, but yet not. Only up to 10% of women have any or all of these symptoms.
Hold up, phone just rang and it was my fav nurse. She said I shouldn't take any more clomid and that vertigo/vision changes are not a good side effect....thank god. Also noteworthy, she said I should only do 3 clomid cycles before stopping, as I ovulate normally without clomid (apparantly there are risks after the 3-cycle point). No more clomid ever :-)
Another office visit is in our future I think.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Relax, bug eye, you're making me nuts.
Last night as I told my partner that I'd started my period earlier in the day, we got into our now once-monthly argument over what we can do to improve our chances of pregnancy. As mentioned earlier, patience is not a virtue that she holds dearly. She was insisting that I call the nurse (as I would anyway at this point to let her know that I'm in fact not pregnant) and list off a bunch of questions about what we're doing/not doing and to make sure that there's nothing else we should be doing. She also has this thing about meningitis. When I was nine I had a form of meningitis, and she's convinced it has raised my body temperature permanently, decreasing our chances of pregnancy (not the case, solid 98.6). We have asked the question before; she won't let it go.
I tell her that I can't go on like this. I refuse to ask these questions every, single month. I think that we both need to just stop with the crazy proactivity and let nature take it's course. The only valid question that we might have is to ask about the difference between clomid and letrozole once more and see if it could be a good option for me....clomid=crazy bitch, letrozole I'm sure=different list of similar side effects. But perhaps I will bring this up to the nurse today when I call.
'I feel so vulnerable. I am the third party,' she says. She is sort of out of the loop, I suppose. I make all the phone calls, send all the emails, talk to the nurses, order the sperm. 'If you want to be a part of the process, you actually need to do something. Why don't you make the phone call tomorrow, then you can ask your questions?' Same conversation we had last month. We decide that I will make the phone call since I can explain how I feel with the clomid better than she can. I promise to repeat verbatim my conversation with the nurse instead of abbreviating like I normally do. Same resolution as last month.
'This is really hard, really hard,' I say to her. 'But I don't want you to feel left out, your shouldn't. You are just as important in this process as I am.' It's taken probably 15 minutes to get to this point. We both calm down.
Finally, we pause. Sarcasm takes over. I tell her that I'm also going to ask the nurse for a prescription horse tranquilizer that she can take on days 27-30 of my cycle.
I tell her that I can't go on like this. I refuse to ask these questions every, single month. I think that we both need to just stop with the crazy proactivity and let nature take it's course. The only valid question that we might have is to ask about the difference between clomid and letrozole once more and see if it could be a good option for me....clomid=crazy bitch, letrozole I'm sure=different list of similar side effects. But perhaps I will bring this up to the nurse today when I call.
'I feel so vulnerable. I am the third party,' she says. She is sort of out of the loop, I suppose. I make all the phone calls, send all the emails, talk to the nurses, order the sperm. 'If you want to be a part of the process, you actually need to do something. Why don't you make the phone call tomorrow, then you can ask your questions?' Same conversation we had last month. We decide that I will make the phone call since I can explain how I feel with the clomid better than she can. I promise to repeat verbatim my conversation with the nurse instead of abbreviating like I normally do. Same resolution as last month.
'This is really hard, really hard,' I say to her. 'But I don't want you to feel left out, your shouldn't. You are just as important in this process as I am.' It's taken probably 15 minutes to get to this point. We both calm down.
Finally, we pause. Sarcasm takes over. I tell her that I'm also going to ask the nurse for a prescription horse tranquilizer that she can take on days 27-30 of my cycle.
Monday, January 9, 2012
cleanse over and out
Well, I took the big tinkle test.....and it's a big fat negative. Bring on the soda, coffee, ibuprofen and booze.
It's amazing that I was disappointed at all; I've had cramps now for DAYS. What a nice, friendly reminder, right? Even though I expected the negative results, it was still hard to read 'not pregant' on the digital read-out. And I've decided that clomid makes me a raging, crazy bitch who is cranky and ready to kill those who cross me just about 24-7. I think it is also making my premenstrual symptoms worse. I don't normally have cramps for DAYS before my period starts for example. I've also been having headaches which is unusual for me. And now there will be a third month of clomid. Yay.
Today is only day 27 in my cycle and I took the tinkle test yesterday.....perhaps I shouldn't be so negative. I've still got maybe two or three days before an impending period.
There is another drug that I could try. Letrozole is another ovulation stimulator that has it's own set of side affects. Perhaps I'll chat with the new doc about this and see what the real difference could be.
In theory, I am ovulating just fine on my own and shouldn't need any drugs to get pregnant. In theory, theories stink.
It's amazing that I was disappointed at all; I've had cramps now for DAYS. What a nice, friendly reminder, right? Even though I expected the negative results, it was still hard to read 'not pregant' on the digital read-out. And I've decided that clomid makes me a raging, crazy bitch who is cranky and ready to kill those who cross me just about 24-7. I think it is also making my premenstrual symptoms worse. I don't normally have cramps for DAYS before my period starts for example. I've also been having headaches which is unusual for me. And now there will be a third month of clomid. Yay.
Today is only day 27 in my cycle and I took the tinkle test yesterday.....perhaps I shouldn't be so negative. I've still got maybe two or three days before an impending period.
There is another drug that I could try. Letrozole is another ovulation stimulator that has it's own set of side affects. Perhaps I'll chat with the new doc about this and see what the real difference could be.
In theory, I am ovulating just fine on my own and shouldn't need any drugs to get pregnant. In theory, theories stink.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
yet another 2 week cleanse......
This two week wait thing is for the birds. It's been one week today since our last IUI and I am in that mid-wait mentality of total neutrality. Could be pregnant, might not be pregnant, remain neutral so I am not to get hurt either way.
I've been of course trying to act as though I am pregnant and have been eating and drinking like a champ. Fruits, nuts, vegetables, water, herbal tea; it feels more like a once-monthly two-week cleanse (since that's what it's been up until this point). Yesterday was our one day this week together and we went out to lunch following our super-lesbo trip to Lowe's (it is totally our guilty pleasure to go walk the aisles and get ideas about home improvement...). Our weekly lunch out is always full of delicious saturated fat and calories, but I somehow managed a tasty salad into the mix. And then we hit the RedBox and got a cheap, scratched, rental dvd....the final Harry Potter. I have a hard enough time understanding what they're saying let alone if the dvd is scratched.....never have really been a big Potter fan, but it was good to see the end of the saga.
One more week to go! Distractions, please apply within.
I've been of course trying to act as though I am pregnant and have been eating and drinking like a champ. Fruits, nuts, vegetables, water, herbal tea; it feels more like a once-monthly two-week cleanse (since that's what it's been up until this point). Yesterday was our one day this week together and we went out to lunch following our super-lesbo trip to Lowe's (it is totally our guilty pleasure to go walk the aisles and get ideas about home improvement...). Our weekly lunch out is always full of delicious saturated fat and calories, but I somehow managed a tasty salad into the mix. And then we hit the RedBox and got a cheap, scratched, rental dvd....the final Harry Potter. I have a hard enough time understanding what they're saying let alone if the dvd is scratched.....never have really been a big Potter fan, but it was good to see the end of the saga.
One more week to go! Distractions, please apply within.
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